


Before & After

by jojo_kenobi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Childhood, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pre-Canon, Teen Angst, Trans Male Character, Trans!Ben Solo, slow-build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-13 00:18:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5687305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojo_kenobi/pseuds/jojo_kenobi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Before, there is chaos turning into order.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>After, there is order turning into chaos.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Inbetween, there is love.</em>
</p>
<p>Young Hux has one mission: to corrupt Ben. But then they fall in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. BEFORE

Jaina Solo was five when she first heard the stories about The Jedi and The Sith.  
She was tucked safely between Han and Leia, eyes struggling to stay open as sleep threatened to overcome her. 

This was her favorite thing of the day, when the sun settled low under the horizon and her parents told her bedtime stories about her ancestors and their fearless adventures. 

Tonight, they told her about an old, wise men called Obi-Wan Kenobi, how he rescued her Uncle Luke from Tatooine and taught him about The Force. 

"I didn’t really believe that some magical, all-empowering force existed then." A tiny smirk flashed over her dad’s face. 

"All you believed in was luck," Leia added with a warm smile. 

"Well, it wasn’t exactly the force that brought us together."

"It wasn’t luck, neither, Han."

"I -"

"Can you continue the story?" Jaina pleaded, poking both of them in their bellies. 

"Old Ben could trick anyone into doing whatever he wanted. He just used his little mind trick and surprise, they did as he told them. When he and Uncle Luke tried to get out of Tatooine, they had the droids-"

"R2-D2 and C-3PO!" Jaina added, her excited voice thick with sleep.

"Yes, they had these two with them. The Empire was searching for the droids and had almost captured them. But, thankfully, Ben had tricked them into believing that those weren’t the droids they were looking for and they got out safely. Afterwards, they asked me and Chewie to take them to Alderaan, your mother’s home." 

Jaina sunk deeper into her pillows and had almost drifted off to sleep. 

"I wanna know what happens next," she mumbled. She didn’t see the smile her parents exchanged, but distantly felt them kissing her forehead. 

"We promise to tell you tomorrow night, sweetheart, okay?" Leia answered, rising slowly off the soft bed. "Have sweet dreams for now." 

Han and Leia were almost out of her room, when they heard their daughter mumbling something behind them. 

"Can my name be Ben, too?"

 

  


  


**10 years later**  


"I just don’t understand why you can’t accept my interpretation of Vader’s reasons for behaving like this, when it totally makes sense!"

"Because him slaughtering the younglings was not tolerable at all, Brendol, and I do not believe that I have to remind you why that is so."

"He was following orders from the emperor! He had no choice. Would you rather have him disobey his master? That would have ended in chaos!"

"I won’t discuss this matter any further. I’ll see you for detention, Friday afternoon. Before then, I hope you’ll have reconsidered your thoughts."

Ben Solo had to keep himself from smirking when he saw the look of pure outrage on Brendol Hux’s face, with brows furrowed and mouth open in shock. He’d never given the kid much thought until now. 

"What? Do you think that was funny, princess?" Hux snarled out, now looking directly at him. Had he been staring that obviously? Shit. 

"No, no, I just..." Ben stammered, feeling his cheeks flame red, hating himself for it. 

Hux glared at him for a second, waiting for his response, before spinning around on his heels and making his way towards the door of the class room. 

Swearing under his breath, Ben grabbed his stuff and sprinted after him, shouting, "Brendol, wait!" 

And much to his surprise, the boy did as he was told and caused Ben to almost run into him. 

"It’s just Hux. I hate the other name," he said, his voice calmer now. 

He still stood completely stiff, which seemed to be his natural way of demeanor. 

„"I know that feeling. I’m Ben," he answered, holding out his hand for a proper handshake, because he was that much of an idiot. Hux just stared at him, blankly.

"I know who you are, Solo. Everyone does." Ben blushed, again. 

"So I was wondering, what did you write about Vader so Professor Kaden would give you detention?" Ben asked, his voice shaking. He didn’t want to mess up again. 

"Is it because he’s your granddad and you plan to give me hell for any possible negative response or are you genuinely interested?" Hux narrowed his eyes and Ben tried not to flinch. 

"No, I mean, I’m serious about this." 

"Oh, uhm..." Hux looked seriously taken aback. 

_Please don’t let him say no._ Instead, he said, "You want to go grab lunch together or something?"

Ben had to dig his nails into his palms to remain calm. He couldn’t let him notice that he was basically the first one to propose that, like, ever. 

"Sure," Ben replied, "now?" 

"Why not?" 

  


**|~|**

  


Hux should’ve known, once he allowed Ben to hang out with him, he’d never get rid of him again. It started out with lunch spend together, filled with awkward silence and brief dialogues and really, it was kind of pathetic how hard Ben was trying to do this right. He didn’t even know why he endured him.

To be fair, he was curious. This was Ben Solo, after all. He could only gather more fame if he wore the name Skywalker, which gladly, he didn’t do. His talents were supposed to be as great as his last name, even though Hux didn’t really know how being a terrible smuggler would make someone great. Surely it would have to be the way the Skywalkers seemed to be smitten by Han Solo.

One could think that he’d be overrun by friends, but really, it was exactly the opposite. Not that he cared, but everyone seemed to avoid this kid, for whatever weird reasons he didn’t bother to know.  
Who needs friends, anyways?

... Right, this kid obviously craved one. And now that the possibility of having one occurred, he desperately tried to cling onto him.  
If it weren’t for the way Ben’s eyes would light up at the mere mentioning of his grandfather’s name (which hopefully promised some interesting conversations), Hux would’ve ended this misery already. 

They shared most of their politics classes together, but unlike Hux, Ben seemed to be extremely bored during them. He couldn’t help noticing because that boy literally sat down next to him in every single course. And he wouldn’t stop showing off his Jedi force tricks. Right now, Hux was busy making notes, when his pen started writing different words than he intended to.

"Very funny, Solo," Hux whispered, glaring at him. Ben had the audacity to smirk at him, all while making his pen draw little lightsabers all over the page.

"Why are you even here if you care that little?"

"Right now, my purpose is to annoy you."

"If that has been your usual approach of making friends, I understand why you’re lonely," he snapped back, washing the grin out of Ben's soft features. 

"And yet you enjoy my company. Is it because you’re lonely as well?" 

Momentarily lost for words, Hux looked directly into Ben’s eyes for what must be the very first time, because he’d never noticed how dark they were. Like the dead of the night. 

"Don’t be so full of yourself. You’re not that special," he answered, a second too late. 

Ben opened his mouth, as if wanting to object, and then closed it again. At last, the bell rung and Hux had a reason to break their eye contact. Without a word, he packed his stuff and left the class room, expecting Ben to follow. He didn’t, though. And really, Hux didn’t want to turn around and tell him to do so, he wasn’t his goddamn babysitter, but he did so anyways. 

"Come on, I’m starving," Why was he being so nice to this boy? Maybe because Ben reminded him of a lost puppy. Still... Hux sighed. This was ridiculous.  
They walked side-by-side, the awkward silence being back all over again. Maybe he could-

"Hey Hux, finally got yourself a girlfriend, too?" someone yelled behind them. Hux gnashed his teeth... Force, he hated that bastard. 

"Piss off, Jakab," Ben growled instead, having turned around. Nice, now they were in trouble. 

"Wow, your baby girl sure has punch," Jakab answered. Two of his friends were flanking him and snickering. 

"Don’t you have someone else to annoy?" Hux asked. 

"Nah, you’re too much fun. Or do you want us to leave you two lovebirds alone?" 

Hux rolled his eyes, ready to grab Ben and just get out of here, when he noticed how tense Ben was. Suddenly Jakab’s grin vanished and he gasped for air, tearing at his throat; his two bodyguards dashed forward but were stopped mid-air, as if they ran into an invisible wall.

"Ben, stop it," Hux went to stand in front of him, forcing Ben to look at him, instead of those idiots. He didn’t know how this force-thing worked, but apparently he did the right thing. Ben’s eyes momentarily lost focus, then became clear to glare at him.  
"I could crush them," he murmured.

"They aren’t worth it."

"Hey, what is going on over there?" Two teachers approached from behind Ben. Hux didn’t think twice and just grabbed Ben’s still raised hand to pull him along. They passed Jakab and his trolls, still force-frozen and when the footsteps quickened after them, they began to run. Faster and faster, until Hux could only feel his heartbeat drumming in his ears.

Ben led them through many corridors, then all of a sudden pushed him through a door. He quickly shut the door, allowing darkness to envelop them both. 

For a moment, they just huffed and panted, desperately trying to calm down. But now, Hux noticed how quickly his blood was pumping, his own breath coming out as small gasps, whereas Ben’s was already normal again. He could feel it on his face, intermingling with his own. Damn, how close were they? He tried to step back, but only bumped into a wall. 

"It’s a broom closet," Ben commented. 

"Wonderful, that’s how you fight down those rumors," Hux snapped back and that asshole started laughing. 

He felt his cheeks growing hot and could’ve sighed of relief that Ben couldn’t see a damn thing. Out of instinct, he shoved Ben further away from him and against the opposite wall.

"They’ve said worse about me," Ben said after a while, serious again. 

"Obviously they were right, you really are the worst," Hux replied, smiling a little, just because he knew it would stay a secret. 

"Why did you run away, though? It’s not as if that’s the first time I used the force against those assholes, you know. I don’t get in trouble for that."

"Well, I would, and I’d rather keep my reputation as the smartest kid here. Some of us have ambitions, _you know_." 

"You’re one to talk about being full of yourself, smartass. And I know you’re grinning, don’t think the darkness keeps your secret safe." Hux bit it down immediately. 

"No, don’t stop. You should do it more, it suits you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want.


	2. BEFORE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings upfront: underage drinking & slightly transphobic remarks.

Whenever he was elaborating his lightsaber technique, Ben wore his brown hair in a bun. It looked absolutely ridiculous. Some curls always found their way out and really, he could never pull off an angry face this way. He tried so often enough, though, and Hux ended up laughing at him most of the times. 

It was finally Friday. Some popular guy had managed to snatch a lot of Corellian rum from his dad for his 16th birthday party. Literally everyone in their year was invited. Since neither of them had any experiences with alcohol, they were both looking forward to change that maybe a little too much. 

But until then, Hux went to go get Ben and force him to quit exercising. He could understand the strong will to constantly improve his abilities, but Ben tended to exaggerate. Normally he wouldn’t stop him, but tonight, he needed his best friend to stay awake longer than usual. Ben couldn’t just fall asleep in the middle of a conversation, like he sometimes did. 

Tonight was meant for leaving childhood behind.

When Hux arrived at the sports hall at 5pm, everyone else had already left. It was just Ben, fighting against a few semi-intelligent droids. As expected, his hair was a mess and he was soaked with sweat. Hux bit his bottom lip. He would never admit it, but he loved that look on him. 

He took a few minutes to watch him train. He didn’t understand anything about fighting with a lightsaber, but from what he’d seen the other Padawan do, Ben did kind of his own thing. When he fought, it seemed passionate and reckless. He let his emotions flow into his fighting rather than pushing them away. Maybe that was the reason his uncle tried to hold him back all the time. Ben was always on the edge, pushing his limits too far, never controlling himself. Leaping into darker sides than a Jedi should. _Fascinating_. 

"Maybe you should just cut your curls off," Hux said, smirking at the way Ben jumped around, lightsaber ready to slash at whoever startled him. He needed a second to snap out of the fight and realize who was standing in front of him. When he had, he smiled. 

"I’m actually considering it, as well as dying them black. That would be amazing," Ben answered, still out of breath. He shut off his lightsaber and the droids. 

"I'll hold you accountable for it, Solo."

"Sure you will. Hey, can I show you this trick I’ve started working on?" he asked hesitantly, arrogance shut off now and anxiety clear on his face. Hux nodded. 

"Here, shoot at me." Ben made a blaster fly right into his hand. Without any further remarks, Hux shot. The plasma, however, stopped halfway, just hanging there, quivering in mid-air. 

"Consider me impressed," he admitted and Ben’s face broke into a grin. 

All of a sudden, the plasma crackled, scattering into different directions. One of the droids fell to the ground, smoking, and a window smashed. Both of them flinched.

"Oh force, Luke’s going to kill me," Ben murmured and spat out some more curses. 

"Isn’t that the third time you destroyed a droid this month?", Hux couldn’t bite back. Ben raised his hands, acting defensive at once. 

"Hey, it’s not my fault that they can’t take me! They’re supposed to be able to take a few blows!" 

"Yes, you superhero, it totally isn’t. Now let’s get out of here, before-" Footsteps, distant chattering. 

"Not again," Ben rolled his eyes, "why is it always us?"

"Because you’re always causing trouble," Hux replied, grabbing his hand to tug him along. They ran out of the hall and actually, it was counterproductive to do this while holding hands, but none of them let go. This was their thing. Hux wouldn’t want it otherwise. 

They only stopped when they left the campus, about to take separate directions. Gathering their breaths, they lingered, grinning at each other. 

"Lord, you need a shower," Hux commented.

"What, do you want to make sure I’m gonna do that as well? Maybe even care to join?" Hux shoved him away, laughing. 

"Only in your dreams, asshole. Pick you up at nine?" 

"Of course you will." 

  


**|~|**

  


Ben opened the front door and Hux’s heart missed a beat. 

"I believe I said cutting off, not shaving off." The sides of Ben’s head were completely free of hair. Only the top still had some, which was really long in comparison. It fell in his face, emphasizing his temper – messy and black. 

"What? You know I don’t do _a little bit_ ," he replied, "So what do you think?"

"It’s awesome," _and should be forbidden, goddammit._ Force, he looked extremely hot like that. Hux swallowed, trying to stop his mind from traveling to all those places he never allowed himself during daylight. 

"My parents are going to kill me, but it’s worth it."

"I'll drink to that."

  


**|~|**

  


Truth or Dare. 

Ben had known this would be coming up, but right now, he was too drunk to care if he could embarrass himself. 

They had moved from the boy’s house into his garden and made a campfire. Some of the girls had already used the pool as an opportunity to show off their bodies in bikinis and received the provoked attention by most of the boys. Afterwards, they hadn’t been bothered to put on anything more, though. 

Ben was more than thankful that Hux hadn’t thought about swimming as well. He wouldn’t have known what excuse could’ve fit so he wouldn’t have to undress. No one of his class had ever seen him change clothes and he intended to keep it that way. His body didn’t seem to belong to him, it betrayed him. 

He had tried to drown this thought with some more rum, almost choking on the burning sensation. 

Right now, his head was shut off. Hux was sitting closer than ever, their shoulders and legs brushing all the damn time. Ben was smoking another cigarette and half expected Hux to complain like he always did, or at least shove him away, but he seemed to only lean in more. Just as he thought he couldn’t stand it any longer, the damn bottle pointed at Hux. 

"Truth," he shot out, as if he’d be scared to dare. Judging by the way the girl asking fluttered her eyes at him, Ben was glad. His jealousy matched his inner anxiety. 

"Have you ever made out with a girl yet?", she wanted to know. Hux snorted. 

"No, and I don’t plan on it." He... _wait, what_? 

"What, why?", some other guy asked, clearly in shock. 

"Because I’m just really, really gay," Hux slurred and... _what_?! Oh force, this better not be a joke.

They’d been hanging out every day for the past year and he didn’t know his best friend preferred boys? 

"How come I didn’t know that?", he murmured to Hux, who just grinned, his eyes gleaming. So clearly out of control. 

"You never asked, that’s why," Hux answered, accidently losing his balance and falling against him. Ben closed his eyes, fighting against the urge to just lean in a little closer. 

_You’re not even a real boy, stop pretending he could fall for you_ , some voice whispered in the back of his mind, sobering him up.

"Hey, where’s the rum?", Ben demanded, because really, he couldn’t take himself.

  


**|~|**

  


"Dare," Ben slurred an hour later. Only a few of them were left, the others had either taken off to snog or fell asleep. He distantly noticed that none of the bikini girls were left. Seemed like their _effort_ had payed off. 

"Kiss the prettiest person left here," Phasma demanded, smirking full of mischief. 

_Finally._ Only now Ben noticed that he’d been waiting for an opportunity like that. 

Ben turned to his right, grinning way too bright at Hux, who seemed to guess what was about to happen and just managed to say, "don’t-" before Ben cut him off with his mouth. And lord, kissing him felt way too good to be true, his drunken brain surely was imagining it, but no, all of a sudden he couldn’t properly hold on anymore and lost balance and fell over, pushing Hux to the ground and under him and force, when he kissed him again that bastard fucking _moaned_ right into his mouth and pulling him even closer. 

They broke apart to breath and Ben distantly heard some girl say, "damn, that was hot," but all he saw were those blue eyes, like a deep ocean that he desperately wanted to drown in. 

"Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this," Hux whispered, while running his hand through what was left of Bens hair.

"You’re probably right," Ben answered and let his lips drop down on his again, because _just one more time_. 

"Seems like these two are out, good job, Phasma." 

  


**|~|**

  


Hux woke up with the worst headache of his life. 

It took him several moments to realize that he was home, in his bed, alone. He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or disappointed. 

Why, though? And how did he even get here? Why was he still wearing all of his clothes and why did they smell like smoke so much more than usual? Hux couldn’t remember a damn thing. 

He made an attempt to get up, because he needed water, now, and promptly stumbled. _Very much in control, how awesome._

When he finally managed to get some water in his system, his body seemed to curse him for last night by bringing everything back up.

Hux had never felt this miserable. 

He dragged himself into the shower, hoping to regain at least some control. Maybe that would also help in bringing his memories back. 

He got out of his clothes, but before tossing them into the laundry container, he inhaled the mix of smoke and something elusive that was Ben, woody but also kind of sweet, maybe vanilla? He couldn’t really place it. Whatever it was, it made his heart race and his head spin. They must’ve sat close to each other last night. 

As soon as he turned on the water, he closed his eyes and let his mind wander. What did he remember? 

He saw Ben opening the door, looking gorgeous with his new haircut. They had arrived at the party just as everyone gathered to drink to the boy’s birthday, toasting with vodka shots instead of champagne. Afterwards he had joked around with Ben, chatting and drinking rum, challenging each other in who could down more in a shorter time and such nonsense. They had moved out into the garden and some girls had stripped down, revealing their bikinis. Assuming to see Ben stare as shamelessly as the other guys, he had drunk another shot. But Ben’s eyes had never left him. He hadn’t seemed to care about any of the girls here. The thought had made him giddy, the alcohol already buzzing in his head and making everything hazy. Hux had to remind himself to stay in control, because he had never wanted to kiss him more than in that moment. He almost did. If it weren’t for the guys shouting about _truth or dare_ , he would have. 

Then everything else was a blur and he wasn’t sure what was real and what he was making up. 

Force. Maybe he would ask Ben about last night.

Surely he hadn’t blurted out that he was _just really, really gay_ and also, there was no way Ben had considered him the prettiest person in the room and kissed him. This couldn’t have happened. No way. 

Damn, he should stop imagining Ben pushing him to the ground, laying on top of him and clinging to his lips. It would never happen anyways, and torturing himself with his fantasies definitely belonged into nighttime. He’d make sure to not mention that one to Ben, though.

  


**|~|**

  


11:23, generalhx: you alive?  
  
11:25, benvader: barely  
  
11:26, generalhx: do you remember anything about last night?  
  
11:30, benvader: everything, wbu?  
  
11:31, generalhx: just snippets. anything important i should know?  
  
11:36, generalhx: ben?  
  
11:41, benvader: no, nothing. you told them abt being gay, btw.  
  
11:41, generalhx: oh.  
  
11:42, benvader: why didnt you fucking tell me?!  
  
11:45, generalhx: as i said, you didnt ask me  
  
11:45, benvader: so you DO remember sth! what, tho?  
  
11:47, generalhx: i remember your haircut. how did the fam react?  
  
11:49, benvader: havent seen it yet, im pretending to be still asleep  
  
11:51, generalhx: well. how are you?  
  
11:52, benvader: feeling like shit, you?  
  
11:53, generalhx: same  
  
11:55, benvader: gtg, need to shower, cant skip lunch  
  
11:56, generalhx: talk to you later?  
  
11:56, benvader: of course, xoxo  
  
11:57, generalhx: are you kidding me? what does that even mean? 

  


**|~|**

  


Hux was driving him crazy.

Did he remember yesterday, or didn’t he? What did he remember? The kiss? If not, Ben couldn’t ask him without spoiling how desperately he wanted to do it again. If yes and Hux didn’t mention it, did that mean he regretted it? Maybe it was just a weak moment? And didn’t he tell him not to do so before he just went ahead? 

Damn. He was so screwed. 

"Jaina, lunch is ready, get down!" Han called and Ben groaned. He felt sick and nauseous. The smell was enough to make his stomach turn. Maybe he could just-

"Jaina, I’m not saying it again!" Ben rolled his eyes. He had no choice. 

Before leaving his room, he checked his hair in a mirror. What a mess. He wished he hadn’t shaved the sides and left at least some hair. 

"Jaina -"

"Yes, goddammit, I’m on my way!" Ben shouted in response, stomping down the stairs. 

"Language, young la- oh force, what have you done to your hair?!" Han looked like he was about to have a heart attack. Shit. 

"I cut it off," he stated and walked past him into the living room. He froze when he saw Luke and Chewie already sitting at the table.

"Oh, hey," he managed to choke out. 

Fuck, if he’d have known that they’d come over, he would’ve put on something more than just boxershorts and an old shirt (which had once belonged to Hux, but he hadn’t liked it because he thought it was too big). Luke grinned, shaking his head because of him. 

"Didn’t think you’d do it right away, Brendol only told you to do it yesterday," he said and Ben immediately turned red. Damn. 

Chewie started laughing, adding something like, "Are you really surprised about it?" 

"Thank you very much, but I’ve already wanted to do it before he suggested it," Ben bit back, brows furrowed, but even he noticed how lame that sounded. 

He plopped on his seat next to Chewie, who promptly ruffled through his hair. 

Wait, how did Luke know that, though? 

"So that guy put you up to it?" Han demanded, now having entered the room as well and sitting down opposite to him. 

"What has Hux done now?", Leia asked, balancing a tray with a large pot into the room. When she saw him, she almost dropped it. Luke caught it mid-air, making it hover safely to the table. 

"Oh, now you’ve done it. Did the sides have to be that short?" 

"Well, I thought -"

"You didn’t think at all! And how can you stay that calm, Leia? It looks horrible! That’s no suitable look for a girl!" Han exclaimed, turning everyone in the room silent. 

There it was again, the _forbidden_ topic. Ben wished he would’ve at least put his binder on, even if it didn’t matter to his family. 

"How do you know that Hux suggested it, though?", Ben asked Luke after a minute. 

Han started to put spaghetti on his plate and Leia whispered something to him that he didn’t react to. His mouth was only a thin line. 

"Well, someone had to fix the window you broke in the hall."

"But that was after -"

"You broke a window?", Han interrupted, his anger boiling up again.

"And a droid, but it was an accident. Apparently Hux was kind of distracting," Luke answered, winking at Ben. 

Lord, he just wanted to die of shame. Luke was right, but it still sounded horribly wrong coming from his Uncle. 

"Why was he even there with you? Jedi trainings are not important for someone like _him_." Ben’s eyes shot daggers into Han’s direction.

"Not that you’d know anything about Jedi trainings, though," Ben couldn’t stop himself and immediately knew he had crossed a line. 

"You arrogant -"

"Now, stop it, all of you! You can fight afterwards, but for now, suck it up!" Leia stared both of them down, until they nodded. Damn, Ben just wanted to get out of here. 

When the silence became almost unbearable, she asked, "So, how was the party?" 

"It was nice. Nothing special, though," he replied, thinking of the kiss again. Any appetite that might’ve occurred by now vanished. Instead, his stomach turned. 

"Judging by the way you’re only moving your food around the plate, you drank a little too much," Luke added. 

"I didn’t -"

"We’ve all been your age. It’s fine, right, Han?" Luke regarded him with a meaningful look. His dad just grunted something. 

After some more forced conversations, everyone but Ben had eaten up. 

"Can I get up now?" Ben pleaded and his mom nodded. 

"This topic isn’t done yet," Han said, glaring at him.

"What do you want to add, Han? The hair is gone now. There’s no need for you to add anything more, you’ve made your point, now let it rest," Leia answered instead. 

Ben mouthed a "thank you," to her and then quickly left the room. He started climbing the stairs, but froze when he heard his father’s next sentence.

"I just don’t like it if Jaina does everything as that guy says," he said. Ben turned around, tiptoeing back down and lingering to eavesdrop.

"You can’t always blame Brendol for everything, Han. She’s trying to figure out who she is and who she wants to be, just as he does," Leia responded softly. 

"Besides, you know how she is. If you keep ranting about Brendol, Jaina will only end up hanging out with him more. And you really want to avoid that. They’re already very close," Luke added. Ben cringed. _Oh no_. 

"Are you implying what I think you are?" Han asked. Ben knew he had his brows furrowed. 

"Well, maybe? I mean, I don’t know. You know, just forget about it. I’m probably wrong."

"Just make sure to tell us if you notice some, well, unusual or inappropriate behavior."

  


**|~|**

  


Hux took ages to reply to his text messages about meeting and when he did, he simply said no. 

Ben didn’t even wait a minute until he started a video chat. For a few seconds, he was sure he wouldn’t pick up. Ben heard his groan before the video had even started.

"Ben, I’m sleeping."

At first, Ben could only see red hair and his room. Then Hux lifted his head and looked straight into the camera, attempting to glare. Force, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Although a blanket covered most of his back, this was way too naked. 

"Sorry, I just... sorry. We can hang up again, if you want."

Hux rubbed his eyes, yawned and shook his head. 

"No, it’s fine. What happened?" His voice was rough, his hair still wet and unkempt and shit, Ben wanted to be with him right now and continue last night. 

"Just, family behaving shitty. It’s fine." 

"It’s obviously not fine, so stop lying and tell me. Were they angry because of your hair?" 

"Dad kinda freaked out. But that’s not why I called you. You know they don’t really like you-"

"Thanks for reminding me, I know that," Hux rolled his eyes. 

"Lord, you’re grumpy when you’re sleepy. Just shut up and let me talk, will you?" Ben’s heart was beating like crazy, his hands shaking. He didn’t want to fight now. 

"Then get to the point now." Hux shifted from lying into sitting cross-legged, so Ben could see his chest and the top of his briefs. Force, did he do that on purpose?

"Hold on a second, are you wearing my shirt?" 

"At least I’m wearing one," Ben snapped back. It came out ruder than he had intended. 

"Oh. Does it distract you? I can put on something-" Hux replied, gentler than Ben probably deserved and already looking around the room for his shirt. 

"No, no, it’s fine, don’t bother." Hux broke into some kind of lazy half-grin that told Ben he was basically still asleep. He looked adorable and hot at the same time. Bad combination. 

"Or do you secretly just enjoy the view?" Ben laughed nervously, ruffling through his hair and scratching his neck. 

"What’s the matter with you? Still drunk?" 

"Drunken on my lack of sleep," he mumbled, eyes almost closed. 

"We could hang up...?" 

"Only if you come over instead."

"But you said no, remember?"

"I know what I said, but you obviously need me right now, so just come over and tell me what happened in person." 

Ben had never put on his binder, pants and shoes that fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. 
> 
> Next chapter: comfort, cuddling, teenagers being awkward, Phasma & Poe being awesome and Ben&Hux messing up.


	3. BEFORE

Hux’s father let him in, a warm smile on his lips, genuinely happy to see him. He always treated him as if he’d belong into the family, asking him how he was doing and actually listened to him. Ben never felt like an intruder, which was something that he was used to at home. Contrary to his own dad, Hux’s father already treated him like a boy. He hadn’t even needed to manipulate him through a force mind trick. 

He was so sick of having to do this. Sick of having a female body. Sick of not being honest. Sick of knowing he could never be... his true self.

Hux was asleep again when Ben arrived. He’d curled himself into a little ball and his laptop was on his pillow, their chat still open. Ben couldn’t really say he was surprised. Hux didn’t sleep too well during weekdays; he was too focused on studying. His thrive of being successful tended to stress himself out too much to sleep properly. That’s why he seemed to be asleep throughout the whole weekend afterwards, trying to catch up on the sleep that he lost. 

Ben approached and slowly sat down next to him, feeling guilty that he even came here. His caution was useless nevertheless; Hux stirred at the intrusion, his eyes snapping open.

"Ben," he breathed out and hastily sat up. Hux seemed to remember their earlier conversation immediately, worry clear on his face. Ben felt his eyes watering, bottom lip quivering. _Fuck, no. Not now._

"Oh no, Ben, hey, don’t-" and then he leaned over to hug him, and Ben was clinging to him - all of a sudden crying for no apparent reason. _For too many reasons._

"I’m here, it’s okay, Ben, shhh," Hux repeated those things over and over, stroking his back and not letting go until Ben had no tears left.

"Sorry," Ben whispered at some point, his voice hoarse. 

"Don’t be. Were they that mean? Come here, lay down." Hux closed the laptop and put it on the ground to make room for the both of them. He waited until Ben had lied down, before he joined him and spread the blanket over them. Without hesitation, Ben slipped into his arms again, laying his head onto Hux’s chest and his arms around Hux’s waist. 

"No, I just... I don’t even know. I’m just so tired of constantly fighting with them. I can’t even tell you why. I’m sorry." Hux let his thumb stroke slowly over his arm. Ben closed his eyes, concentrating on the gentleness Hux treated him with, as if he was fragile, broken even. It was hard to bear.

"I don’t need to know, Ben, it’s okay." 

"No, no it’s not and I _want_ to tell you, but I just can’t." He was such a damn coward, but he also couldn’t risk losing him. He needed him. Hux was his best friend, the only one who wasn’t trying to change him and who actually wanted him around. Ben felt easier around him, like time was endless and everything was possible. He knew he could entrust Hux with his life and still remain safe.

"I understand. You can shut up now, if you want. You don’t have to explain yourself," Hux murmured.

They ended up falling asleep like that, cuddled up and secure. Ben could feel Hux’s heartbeat, the slow rise of his breathing and his lips pressing an everlasting kiss on his hair. 

_If I’m not careful, I’m going to fall in love with you._

  


**|~|**

  


Something creaked and Hux’s eyes snapped open. He couldn’t see anything.

"Oh, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go on sleeping," someone whispered. 

His eyes adjusted to the darkness around him and he recognized his father standing in the doorframe. 

"Are you, you know," his father made a vague gesture towards him and Ben. 

_What does he mean?_ Sleep still fogged Hux’s brain. _Is something wrong?_

Hux looked down on himself. He still had his arms wrapped around Ben, who had his face completely buried in the crook of Hux’s neck. The blanket had slipped away and revealed their entangled legs, feet touching. He could guess what impression that made. 

"No! He just needed comfort," he answered, perhaps a little too stressed. As if waking up, Ben stirred and groaned, snuggling up even closer. Force, he shouldn’t do that. 

"I’ll explain it later. It’s nothing, though," Hux added.

His father gave him a long, estimating look. "It wouldn’t be a problem if there was something, you know that, right?" It almost sounded as if his father would wish for it, so his son could be happy. Hux knew better. 

"Yes. Just get out, please." 

Thankfully, his father left without any further remarks, softly closing the door behind him. 

Hux sighed, letting his head sink onto Ben’s. Nice one. Now his father totally believed they were dating. Surely he would use it against him, maybe even congratulate him for it, because that would mean Ben was even easier to seduce into the dark side now and fuck, Hux could’ve kicked himself for that. He knew how eager his father was waiting for them to get closer and closer, until Ben trusted him completely. Hux knew they were already at this point, but he’d tried to keep it a secret. He wasn’t ready to let go of the Ben he’d grown to know and care so much for. 

Ben was so full of light. Hux couldn’t bear the thought of Ben being twisted into someone as dark as himself.

"How late is it?" Ben mumbled, his lips moving against his skin. Hux bit back a moan. His brain was probably still asleep, because damn, that shouldn’t make his skin tingle with so much desire. Stop it.

He glanced over to the clock on his nightstand.

"It’s half past ten," he replied, "you can stay overnight, if you want." 

_Please, stay._

_~~We could continue Friday night.~~_

"No, I really can’t. I have to go home. My parents are already going to kill me for scramming," Ben said, shuffling away from him. 

Hux quickly removed his arms from around Ben, which caused him to look up at Hux. His own breathing stopped immediately. Their faces were merely inches apart now and Hux would just have to lean down _a little_ to bring their lips together. 

"I’m sorry," Ben added. 

"Don’t be," he whispered. He just wanted to know if his lips were as soft as they looked, wasn’t that a perfectly adequate reason for craving this? But then Ben put his hand on Hux’s chest and shoved him away, before standing up and taking a shaky breath. 

"Hux..." he started, discomfort clear on his face. 

_Fuck._ He had messed this up. 

"You don’t need to say anything, I got it." Hux pulled the blanket up to cover his chest, breaking their eye contact. _Shit, how embarrassing._

"I’ll see you in class, Ben." Hux didn’t recognize his own voice. It was made of iron, cold and distant. He never spoke to Ben in that tone. He didn’t deserve it. 

Ben adjusted his clothes, lingering a second longer, before he left without another word. 

Hux buried his face into his pillow and groaned. _Fuck._

  


**|~|**

  


Mondays always started way too early for Hux. The first thing on the list was combat training, which didn’t make it much better. He was tired and felt more depressed than he had when he’d been hungover. 

"Morning Hux, you look like shit." Phasma was grinning at him, already with a blaster in her hand and ready to fight. He just glared at her, walking up to the gun range next to her. 

"What? Don’t you want to thank me for what I initiated Friday night?" she asked and Hux froze. _No. It messed things up._

"What are you talking about?" he replied. Lying was easy, even when he was sleep-deprived. 

"Are you trying to tell me that you don’t remember it?" Her eyes grew big when he nodded. He still wasn’t sure, although he already guessed that the pictures he’d had in mind on Saturday morning were all true. Ben had confirmed the coming-out one, so the other things were probably accurate as well. Even though his memories seemed blurry, like underwater.

"Shit, that’s horrible. You and Ben-"

"Okay everybody, get a blaster, we’re doing quick warm up shots, but I don’t want to see you firing anywhere else but the targets!" Hux glanced over to their teacher, who started patrolling the shooting gallery.

"What about us?" Hux murmured, grabbing a blaster and aiming at the target. He needed her to say it. 

"Ben had to kiss, well, I believe I said _the prettiest person in the room_ and obviously, he chose you. Then you made out for the rest of the night." Hux shot and missed the target by at least two feet. _Shit._

"I thought I merely dreamt that."

"Oh, it happened. So, did it pay off? Are you two finally a couple now?" 

She said it as if it would be that easy. Hux laughed, hollow and bitter. "Did you say _finally_?" 

While Phasma didn’t miss the target at all, he did so again and again. It was kind of hard to aim properly when your hands were shaking. _Get a damn grip on yourself, idiot. It’s not worth it._

"Of course. You’ve been dancing around for months, both too damn shy to just take what you want."

"I’m not shy!" Hux exclaimed, louder than he had intended. Some handsome guy, Poe Dameron, turned around, wiggling his eyebrows at him. _Piss off._

"You sure weren’t shy that night," Dameron said and Hux was momentarily stunned, gaping at him. 

"That’s none of your business!" 

"Well, it was _my_ party after all," he stated, winking at him. _Oh._

"Anyways, are you dating now or are you not?" Phasma asked, completely sincere. 

"We’re not. And we won’t. We’re just friends. Last that I heard, you’d also need feelings for someone if you’re dating." Having said that, Hux turned around and tuned out of this discussion, focusing on combat training. 

Messed up friendships wouldn’t get him anywhere. 

  


**|~|**

  


They saw each other at lunch.

For a split second, Hux was sure that Ben wouldn’t be sitting at their usual table. To be honest, he would’ve understood. So when he entered the cafeteria and heard Ben laughing, he didn’t even flinch.  
What he had not expected was to see that Poe Dameron had caused his happiness. 

"What’s he doing there?", Hux growled to Phasma, who was about to head to her own friends. 

"I don’t know. Do you want me to stay with you?" she offered. _I can handle myself, thank you very much._ She did so anyways, probably noticing his anger. He couldn’t stand watching another one take his place. 

Ben only seemed to notice him the moment Hux and Phasma sat down opposite to him and Dameron. His smile died immediately. Ben could’ve also kicked him in the stomach as greeting; it would’ve had the same effect on Hux. _Asshole._

Hux really wanted to say something, just anything, but no words came out. He could only lower his eyes onto his food, focusing on shoveling it into his system. _Calm down first. Don’t lose it. Stay in control._

He felt Ben’s eyes on him, probably begging him to look up, to break the silence, to promise him they were okay. And he didn’t even know why he didn’t do it. Maybe because he didn’t want Ben to be like this. That kid wasn’t depending on him, after all, so why the desperate clinging to Hux? It wasn’t like last year anymore, when they only had each other. Hux really wanted to tell him that, but he knew he couldn’t.  
On the one hand, because he simply didn’t deserve it. On the other hand, Hux remembered the conversation with his father; about how much it’d suit their cause if he and Ben would end up dating for real, that it’d make Ben trust him even more. Hux had been disgusted by his father and himself, because he’d only been able to nod and agree. That’s all that he knew. Obeying orders. A part of him had cheered on that one, because he _wanted_ to get closer to Ben, he _wanted_ to take their friendship to the next level. But he didn’t want it to feel like he was simply carrying out a command from his father. From the dark side. From Supreme Leader Snoke.  
Hux wanted to be with Ben because of _himself._

When Hux finally looked up, Phasma and Dameron had left them alone. Ben spoke as soon as their eyes locked. 

"Hux, I’m sorry for freaking out on you, I just-"

"Maybe we should get some distance between us." Hux stated with a blank expression. He felt oddly numb while saying it. He hadn’t even thought about it until he heard himself saying it. It was the right thing, though. _He_ needed it. 

"You can’t be serious. Couples go on breaks, but you and I-"

"But that’s exactly the point. I don’t want everyone to keep on thinking that we are."

"We _kissed_ , Hux. I get why they’re believing that." Ben’s hurt was so clearly written on his face, it was painful to look at him. Why did he always have to wear his feelings on his sleeve? Right now, it only irritated Hux. 

Besides, how did Ben know that he knew? Did Dameron tell him what Phasma and he had talked about this morning? _Bastard._

"See, it only made it worse. We were drunk, Ben! I think we can both agree on saying we were out of our minds." 

"Are you really doing this because of the kiss or because of the way you almost did it again Saturday night?" Ben’s voice was shaking now. 

Hux had never broken up with someone before, but it kind of felt like that now. Which was not what he had intended. Shit. But he couldn’t just tell Ben to forget about it now. That would’ve been weak, out of control. 

Hux was in control. 

He left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. 
> 
> Next chapter: Ben has an awful way of trying to fix things between him and Hux.


	4. BEFORE

The empty seat next to Hux was screaming for him when Ben entered the class room on Tuesday. It was his place and even in a break, it would be. If Ben chose not to sit there, that was one thing. It was reasonable why he settled himself in the last row, next to some guy called Levin. 

What Ben had not considered was that someone else would dare to take his place. It was only Phasma, but it still hurt. Especially because Hux just rolled with it. They chatted as if everything was alright. Ben sat too far away to hear what they were talking about. He could only stare at those red hairs, at the way he turned to Phasma whenever his lips moved, smiling now and then. 

Hux was fine without him. 

Okay. He could do this, too. It was just politics.

He glanced to his left. Levin was a nice contrast to Hux. Tall, broad shoulders, blonde. Dumb, but well, he couldn’t have everything. Levin slept through almost the whole lesson, but at least he didn’t complain about Ben being there. Which was more than he could hope for. 

When he walked through the corridors to switch classrooms, he was lonely. He’d never really noticed how much time they spent together even if they were meant to be in different lessons. They used to catch each other in-between and afterwards, always searching and always finding.

Fuck, he missed Hux. They weren’t even 24 hours apart and his absence already took his breath away. His binder felt too tight all the damn time and he just didn’t want to be himself.  
He was lesser when Hux was gone. 

And that fucker didn’t even look at him, not once. He always seemed to be there, but he was further away than ever. 

When Ben trained now, he was reckless. He pushed himself over his limits, physically and mentally. Until he couldn’t feel anything else but the aching of new bruises and the dull exhaustion that made him fall asleep as soon as his head touched his pillow. He just needed distraction.  
Distraction from his own life. 

  


**|~|**

  


On Wednesday, Ben was called out for falling asleep in history. Hux turned around to look at him and their eyes met. His heart leaped and seemed to want to run away, right in his arms.

Damn, he looked so miserable. He didn’t need to see the bags under his eyes to know Ben’s nightmares had gotten worse. Only because Hux was such an idiot, who was way too proud to tell him that he’d been wrong. Of course he didn’t want a break from Ben; it was the other way around. Hanging out with Phasma was nice, but it wasn’t the same. She didn’t make him feel like he didn’t belong anywhere else, she wasn’t the anchor that kept him safe. Ben felt like home every single day. Hux knew he should tell him about it, but the thought scared the hell out of him. There was also his damn pride which wouldn’t let him give in so fast. Maybe in two, three days. Then he’d apologize. 

Ben vanished after that lesson, apparently called in sick. He couldn’t fool Hux, though, and it only made his bad conscience worse. Screw his pride, tomorrow he’d fix this.

But Ben didn’t show up on Thursday and Hux knew he should probably just go over and tell him, but Ben’s parents kind of, well, hated him. That’s why he never came over. Those suspicious glances made him uneasy and no matter how many times Ben told them to stop it, they didn’t.

He’d just wait if Ben would come back tomorrow, and if he didn’t, Hux would swallow his pride and show up at his place on Saturday. 

  


**|~|**

  


At their fifth day apart, Ben was furious. 

How dared this bastard to toy around with him? He just left him like he was some needy idiot, only because he was a fucking coward. 

Hux had loved the kissing as much as he did, damn, he probably wanted him as much as Ben wanted him and that was his way of showing it? After all they’ve been through. Hux had just cut him off like he was no one. If he’d have wanted to apologize, he’d have already done so. He’d have come around. _Son of a bitch._

In the afternoon, they shared physical combat training. Unlike the last times, Ben wouldn’t skip this lesson. He needed clarity. _Now._

He was already tethering on the edge of his temper when he saw Hux’s face. He wanted to smash those elegant features, so it would no longer hurt to look at him. 

When Luke announced that they’d be able to choose their sparring partners, Ben walked straight over to Hux, towering above him. 

"You and me. Now," Ben spit out, teeth gnashing. Hux smirked right back at him. 

"Am I supposed to be scared now?" he snarled, his arrogant mask only feeding Ben’s hate. 

"You’ll see. Now get your lazy ass up. If you won’t talk to me, I’ll show you how I feel." Hux let out a cold laugh. 

"I’m sure it’ll be entertaining. Go on." He got up as well and followed Ben to the very end of their hall, far out of Luke’s reach. If that make Hux uneasy, he hid it well behind his confident smile. 

Ben’s first punch came without another word. It was brutal and took Hux by surprise, wiping away his smirk. He ducked under it. Ben ignored his attempts to say something. He threw blow after blow, but that asshole managed to escape him every time. 

"Stop being such a coward," Ben growled. 

"Stop being so slow," Hux bit back. He started to fight back. 

Hux’s punches weren’t as strong as his, but faster. Ben took one against his jaw. The pain set his blood on fire. Hux kicked his ribs before he could recover. 

In response, Ben’s attacks lost all restraint now. Adrenaline and the force were pumping through him, feeding his strength. Hux earned a split lip and a kick in his stomach through Ben’s knee. 

Suddenly the ground was gone. Hux had swung a leg around his and landed on top of Ben, bleeding and breathless, but sneering again. 

"Thought you’d enjoy being on top, Hux." 

Ben used his irritation to box into his sides. For good measure, he drove his knee into Hux’s groin, causing him to yelp. Then he switched their positions, pinning Hux’s legs with his own. 

And without thinking, his hands wrapped around Hux’s throat. He choked him until Hux had no air left, hoping it would leave bruises.

Instead of surrendering, Hux went ballistic. 

He pounded at Ben’s head. He kicked everything he could reach of him, legs, hips, it didn’t matter. He also tried to get his knees up so he could push Ben off. 

It was pointless. 

Ben smiled at his attempts and embraced the pain. If Hux wanted to get free, he’d have to try harder. Power pulsed through his veins and fuck, this was... new. Ben couldn’t stop. He saw the panic in Hux’s eyes and felt the three taps on his back, but only gripped harder. 

All of a sudden somebody grabbed him from behind and tore him away from Hux. 

"Have you lost your mind?! What’s wrong with you?! That’s your friend!" Someone shouted in his ear. 

Ben barely heard him through the adrenaline pulsing through his veins. He could only see Hux, now coughing his lungs out and desperately sucking in some air. His features smashed and ruled by pain.

"You fucking asshole!" he choked out, voice raw and barely a whisper. Ben tried to get out of the death-grip he was still in, but that someone only hold onto him tighter. 

"Let go off me!" Ben shouted, his voice so high-pitched it made him cringe.

"Calm down! Ben!" Only now he recognized the voice as Luke’s. _Oh, shit._ This meant trouble. 

A smirk flashed over Hux’s face, even though his mouth and chin were covered in blood. If Ben’s anger had vanished a little bit, it flared up again now. _That self-righteous idiot._

"I am calm!" Ben replied, distantly noticing people sniggering at that. He glared around and saw that every single one of their course was gathered around them, watching. 

"That’s exactly what I hate about you, you just take whatever you want," Hux gnarled, voice hoarse, wiping away some of the blood. He sipped some water from a bottle Phasma gave him but only coughed harder. His body revolted. 

"The lesson’s over, everyone leave!" Luke said to the rest of the class. No one did, though.

"Oh, you sure as hell wanted the kiss, you moaned like a fucking whore!" Ben shouted back. 

All of a sudden Hux was on his feet, smacking him in the face with so much force, his nose cracked and his vision went fuzzy. Luke force-pushed him away. 

"So needy," Ben teased, ignoring the dull pain and now being the one to grin. 

"You fucking pervert-" and Phasma and Poe both had to hold him back so he wouldn’t attack again. 

"Quiet now, you’ve both earned yourself enough trouble already. Someone get a medical droid-"

"I’m okay," Ben interrupted, but Luke ignored him.

"- and we’ll discuss this in private. The others, I already told you to leave, if you’re not out of the hall in a minute all of you will earn detention!" With that, everyone did as they were told, until it was just Ben, Hux and Luke. 

Eventually, Phasma came back with a medi-kit, saying, "A droid is on its way." 

"Thank you," Luke answered. She lingered a second longer to glare at Ben. "You can leave now, Phasma." 

"Yes, Master Skywalker." Her gaze shifted over to Hux and changed into worry, before she turned and left. 

Ben let out the breath that he’d been holding. Phasma was no one you wanted to mess around with. Not only because her abilities in combat surpassed his (even though he would never admit that), but also because whatever happened to Hux also affected her and vice versa. She and Hux had been friends since day one. No matter how close Ben and Hux had become during the past year, she remained the person to know him the best. When he was sometimes still struggling to figure Hux out, she already knew. Hux never really talked about it, but it was obvious that she was the one he went to whenever something bothered him. Ben knew he didn’t have a right to be jealous, and really, he was doing well in fighting it down, but one day, he hoped Hux would trust him as much as he trusted Phasma. 

Today’s actions probably delayed that for a long time.

By now, Hux had sat down, pressing a cool pack around his neck. The first bruises were beginning to form and his throat as well as his lips was swollen. He tried to hide his still shaking hands by curling them into fists, but he couldn’t fool Ben. Seeing him this wrecked had an odd fascination on Ben. He couldn’t look away. He had done that.

He’d never felt as powerful as now. 

  


**|~|**

  


"I hate you," Hux mumbled, finally looking back at him now. 

"I know," Ben replied. Awkward silence surrounded them again, until the corner of Hux’s mouth twitched. 

"You could’ve just told me that you miss me, you know, you didn’t have to choke me half-dead." 

"Why, when I could have a nice little scene with the whole class watching?" And suddenly, the tension left both of them and they grinned at each other. 

"You two are unbelievable," Luke commented while examining Ben’s nose. "That needs to be fixed by a doctor. I also think you should let someone look at your throat, Brendol, and stop talking until then. You don’t want to cause any more damage." Hux nodded. "Besides that, you’ll see a counselor to discuss your problems."

"No!" both of them exclaimed. "That won’t be necessary," Ben added, "We can handle this."

"Obviously, you can’t. I will inform your parents about this incident as well." 

"Please don’t, dad’s going to kill me, you can’t do that!"

"He’ll hear it anyways, better he does so from me. I do not intend him to tell him that you almost killed your best friend, though." 

"I had it under control, I would’ve never-" Ben stammered, making an effort not to look at Hux. 

"It doesn’t matter. The damage is done." Luke sighed. "And now get out, see the doctor, get yourselves healed. I’ll tell you about your first meeting with a counselor later."

  


**|~|**

  


When they both left the hall to go see said doctor, Hux poked into Ben’s rips, causing him to yelp. Out of habit, Hux wanted to grin again. This was Ben, his best friend, finally back at his side.

Who also just had tried to kill him. _For real._ Hux shivered.

"Hux, I’m... I’m sorry. I don’t know what was going on with me."

 _Seriously? Fuck off._ Hux hoped Ben would sense these thoughts. 

Their fingers brushed and before Hux could stop himself, he jerked his hand away.

"Let’s just not talk about it now, okay?" 

_Don’t force me to lie to you. I won’t tell you that you shattered my trust in you._

"Hux-"

"Don’t, Ben. It’s fine." 

"No, it’s not." _Damn right._

Hux remained silent until they reached the doctor. 

"Force, what happened to you two?!" the doc exclaimed when they entered. She was in her fifties, pretty short and wore her grey hair in a complicated pinned-up hairstyle. Her name tag read Dr. Langley. 

"Combat training?" Ben replied hesitantly. She snorted.

"Went a bit overboard with that, did you?" Shaking her head, she waved them to come closer. She examined Hux’s neck first. When she started to palpate it, he flinched and bit his lip, making it bleed all over again. 

"Looks horrible, where you trying to kill him or something?" Hux glanced at Ben. _Yes._

"You’ll need to cool it for the next days, also no talking until it doesn’t hurt anymore to do so. Watch out with eating, nothing hot or hard to chew. In short, let it rest and be extra careful. If you don’t feel better within a few days or you notice something unusual, besides nausea or dizziness aside from the pain, come back here immediately. I’ll give you a salve for the bruises and liquid painkillers. But that’s probably not all, is it?" Hux nodded.

"Let me see your chest now. Ben, you can already take off your shirt as well." While Hux did as he was told, Ben froze next to him, all of a sudden completely tense.

"No," Ben choked out, "is that really necessary?" 

"Of course it is. I saw the way you’ve been breathing. Way too shallow. It hurts, doesn’t it?" Ben didn’t answer, which said enough. Hux narrowed his eyebrows, giving him a look like, _don’t be stupid, it’s only me._

_It’s awful because it is you, damn it._

"Do you want me to leave?" Hux asked and was immediately shushed by the doctor. "If you have to talk, then at least whisper. You’re making it worse."

"It’s got nothing to do with you, I just... I’ll explain it to you later, okay?" Ben had turned red and was looking down at the floor. 

"It’s fine," he whispered back. Doctor Langley examined the rest of his bruises in silence. Hux looked at Ben the whole time, reading him so easily. Anxious, guilty, exhausted. Looking like that, Hux wanted nothing more than to forgive him. To believe that Ben had simply lost control and hadn’t known what he was doing. But he’d seen his eyes. He’d seen the power, the desire to _destroy_ him. Remembering it send chills down his spine. For the first time, Hux had been scared of Ben. 

As soon as Doctor Langley was done, Hux fled. Ben’s fear of undressing in front of people was convenient for him.

"Ben, I know what this is about, your mother already told me. And now take the shirt off," Doctor Langley said as soon as the door was shut, smiling reassuringly at Ben. 

"Oh," Ben answered, blushing once more. He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down, but had to stop half-way through it. Sharp pain flowed through him and he felt panic rise in him. _Calm down._ Slowly, Ben took his shirt off.

"Do you want me to help you with the binder?" Doctor Langley offered. 

"No, I can do it." _At least I hope so._

Ben turned away from her, then grabbed the bottom part of his binder and carefully tugged it over his breasts, up to his neck. With one fluid motion, he pulled it over his head, gnashing his teeth to stop him from groaning of pain. He tried to cough, so his chest would feel less compressed but damn, that fucking hurt. _Shit._

"Do you always bind when you’re exercising?" she asked. Ben turned back to her, eyes fixed on the ground. 

"No one knows that I even have to... so, yes." _Also because I don’t want panic attacks._

"You’re lucky that nothing happened until now. When you’re exercising, your body needs more air than usual and when you’re binding, you’re denying your body the oxygen it needs. Do you feel dizzy afterwards?" She started palpating his chest and Ben closed his eyes, tried to think of something other than the discomfort and the shame. 

"Sometimes." _Almost every damn time. I’m used to it._

"Ben, look at me." Her voice was as gentle as her touch. He forced himself to do so. "You can’t continue to do that."

"You don’t understand. _I have to._ " 

"Well, then we’ll need to find an opportunity to make it better for you. Do you have a binder that isn’t as tight as the one you’re using right now?" Ben shook his head. 

"I was lucky enough to get that one." He’d bought it two years ago when his mom had taken him with her on a trip to Coruscant. 

"Okay, look. I have some resources as a doctor and I can see if I could get you a bigger one soon. Would that be okay?" 

"Seriously? That’d be awesome." Despite the pain, he broke into a wide smile. 

"Okay, I’ll do so. Until then, I have to tell you that you bruised a rib. You’ll have to stop binding completely for the next two weeks. Also-"

"Two weeks?!" Ben groaned.

"Calm down, I’ll give you a medical certificate. You won’t need to visit any lessons and instead, you’ll rest at home. Also, you’ll have to ice the bruise that’ll appear soon. I’ll give you pain killers, three pills per day. To keep your lungs clear, I’ll show you some breathing exercises." Doctor Langley kept on talking, explaining how to take care of himself in the next weeks. He was allowed to pull his shirt back on, but she insisted on keeping the binder. _To know your measurements_ , she said, but they both knew it was so he wouldn’t disobey her orders. 

"Before you leave, I’ll have to ask you one last thing," she said and his heart immediately started racing. He could guess what that would be.

"Have you ever heard of the word _transgender_?" When he furrowed his brows and shook his head, she sighed. Not out of pity, but somewhat disappointed. 

"First of all, you have to know that gender and sex doesn’t have to align. Your sex is determined by your genitals, your chromosomes, but your gender is how you perceive yourself. If someone is transgender, it means their own understanding of their gender doesn’t align with the sex that person was assigned with at birth. Meaning, their thoughts and feelings, the way they want to be seen differs from the way their body is shaped. Some might say it means being trapped in the wrong body, but I wouldn’t say it like that. It’s not a disease or a bad thing, for that matter. It’s a normal issue that happens to a lot of people, but is not being talked about very often." Ben’s heart was pounding so loud, he was sure she could hear it. His mind was spinning. 

"What I want to say is that you’re showing definitive symptoms of being transgender. I’m not saying this to scare you, I just want you to think about yourself some more. You’re already using a male name and present as a boy. You don’t have to be a girl, like your birth certificate states. If you think you’re a boy instead, that’s okay. And there are a lot of medical ways of changing your body to make it match your actual gender. But I’ve already told you a lot today, so that might be a topic for another time."

  


**|~|**

  


Hux’s dad was definitely not surprised to have his son come home completely wrecked.

"Couldn’t have kept your mouth shut again and now had to pay for it? I thought you’d know how to fight back," he commented. 

"Well, it’s kind of hard to do so when your best friend is the most powerful Padawan around and he’s trying to kill you," Hux deadpanned, his voice strained. His dad snorted and continued cooking dinner.

"Very funny. As if that little puppy would ever hurt you. Seriously, who overpowered you?" 

"I told you. Ben attempted to kill me. Would have done so, if Skywalker wouldn’t have pulled him off me. Guess that was his way of saying that he missed me." At that, his dad finally turned around and took a closer look at him. When he realized that Hux was indeed serious, he went through several emotions. Confusion and anger, then realization and finally, settling on excitement.

"So Ben let his emotions rule and acted on his anger? That’s glorious!"

"Excuse me?" 

"Don’t you understand what that means?! Ben just took an important step over to the dark side!" 

"Your son was almost killed and that’s your reaction? You’re glad about it? Thanks a damn lot, father. Yes, I’m totally fine, thanks for asking, though." Hux shook his head, crossing his arms and leaning against the kitchen doorframe. Not that he was surprised at the reaction, but it was still disappointing. 

"Watch your manners, son. This is indeed very good news. After so many months of slowly lulling him into the dark side with all those stories, he finally gave in! Supreme Leader Snoke is going to be very pleased about this. You did a great job, son. Today should be celebrated!" 

"I don’t feel like celebrating. I’m going to take some painkillers and sleep early. Fighting for your life is exhausting. Not that you’d know, _General_ Hux." His dad only rolled his eyes.

"Don’t act like a child. If our plan is going to succeed, one day, you’ll wear that title yourself." 

"Yes, but not today," Hux’s voice cracked at that, apparently vanishing for good now. His head throbbed with pain and he was so goddamn tired. He grabbed some water and painkillers and shot his dad a last glare, before leaving to his room. 

He didn’t know why he had ever called them a family. 

  


**|~|**

  


His sleeping schedule was messed up as always. Hux woke up to the everlasting flashing of unread text messages. 

17:54, benvader: i’m so sorry  
  
17:55, benvader: r u okay?  
  
18:32, benvader: hux?  
  
18:44, benvader: id come over but im grounded  
  
18:48, benvader: r u ignoring me again? we need to talk abt it  
  
19:00, benvader: huuuuuuux?  
  
19:21, benvader: okay but im rly rly sorry abt what i did, you dont have to forgive me but i rly miss you  
  
19:42, benvader: pls answer me so i know youre alive  
  
20:03, generalhx: idiot, i was sleeping!  
  
20:03, benvader: HUX! its you!  
  
20:05, generalhx: what do you mean you’re grounded? you’ve never been grounded before.  
  
20:06, benvader: tell you in a sec

Ben called him per video chat. Hux sighed and accepted. For the first time, he actually saw himself in the little corner where his own camera was filming him. His throat was covered in red and lilac bruises, his lips swollen and bloody again. He must’ve gnawed on them when he was asleep. He was a terrible mess. 

"You look... wow." Ben had probably meant to say that in a different way, but it sounded stunned and amazed. Hux swallowed hard and almost cringed at the pain. He took a few sips of water, but when he attempted to answer, no sound came out. Nothing. 

20:09, generalhx: voice gone  
  
20:10, benvader: sorry abt that  
  
20:10, generalhx: you can still talk, idiot 

"Right, I’m sorry." Ben was sitting at his desk, absorbed into his laptop. He wasn’t looking at him anymore, though. Hux could hear him typing. 

20:11, generalhx: your nose looks broken

"That’s because it _is_ broken, Hux. Your last punch was kinda shitty," he answered slowly, as if he was distracted. 

20:12, generalhx: you deserved it, asshole

Ben laughed and damn, it made Hux’s heart race. He’d missed that sound. 

20:13, generalhx: doing anything more important than me right now? 

It took him a whole minute until Ben looked at the message. 

"No, I mean, yes, it’s just… The doc told me about a lot of things and I’m just doing some research, that’s all. You don’t wanna know, though. I’ll stop, sorry." 

20:15, generalhx: so?

"You bruised a rib with all your kicking, that’s it. I’m not allowed to go to lessons for the next two weeks and my parents also grounded me for that time. They’re furious." Ben snorted, shaking his head.

"At first they thought this meant we were over." Hux was glad that he couldn’t respond. He wouldn’t have known how to react. _I thought so too._

"We aren’t, right?"

20:19, generalhx: no, we aren’t.

They looked at each other. Hux still felt dizzy, so he blamed the way his stomach turned on that instead of his mixed feelings about Ben. The past days had shown how miserable they were without one another. But they weren’t good, either. Hux fell asleep again wondering how to deal with him now, laptop still on his desk, facing him with the camera continuing to record.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. 
> 
> Next chapter: probably the most happiest fluff you can imagine


	5. BEFORE

Hux couldn’t breathe. 

There was bloodlust in Ben’s eyes. Hux kept kicking him to get him off, but Ben didn’t stop.  
His grip loosened a little bit, allowing him just enough air to stay alive. He felt light-headed, on the edge of dying, and he’d say anything just to breathe again. He didn’t realize which words were tumbling out of his mouth. 

"Kiss me", he murmured, "Kiss me again." 

Ben’s eyes widened.

"Just take what you want." 

Hux wrapped his legs around Ben’s waist, bringing him down on himself. Hands still enclosed around his throat, Ben finally gave in and kissed him. Hux let his tongue slide into Ben’s mouth, clawing at his hair, pulling him closer. Their hips met and Ben started grinding on him, causing both of them to moan. Successfully distracted, Ben’s grip finally vanished. When Hux gasped for air, Ben bit into his jaw and – 

_Beep beep, beep beep._ Hux’s hand shot out and smashed the button on his alarm clock, throwing it down accidently. 

_Fuck. Not now._

Hux groaned and kept his eyes closed, trying to hold onto the fading images of Ben on top of him. He could still feel his hands around his throat. And fuck, his cock was painfully hard. 

Why couldn’t he have just one night without filthy dreams? This was turning into an annoying habit. 

Reluctantly, he let his hand wander downwards. He just wanted to get it over with, so he could start the day pretending it never happened. 

He distantly remembered having locked his door last night. Good. This was already embarrassing enough.

He kicked off his blanket and pulled down his briefs. When he closed his fist around himself, he saw Ben again. Ben, kissing him and clinging to him like there was no tomorrow. So needy for his touch. Hux clasped a hand over his mouth to silence his moans. When he was sure he’d have himself under control, he let his hand wander around his neck, squeezing gently. How would it feel if Ben would kiss his bruises, bite into them? Hux hated himself for how much this thought aroused him and he quickened his rhythm until he was sure it’d be over within a few moments. When he came, his back arched from the mattress and Ben’s name slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself. 

He gave himself a minute to calm down, gather his breath and clean up. 

"Fuck," he breathed out, disgusted by himself. 

That bastard had almost killed him! It didn’t matter if he knew what he was doing or not. It shouldn’t have happened. Well, if it were up to his parents (which it was), it suited their commission to turn Ben over to the dark side. Still, that didn’t mean that he should still feel like that. Not even a near death experience could stop him from… whatever it was that Ben made him feel. 

Hux swung his legs out of the bed and buried his head into his hands. 

This needed to stop. The rational part of him _wanted_ to stop it, but that also meant quitting Ben and he couldn’t do that. On the one hand, he wasn’t allowed to break off the damn mission. On the other hand, if he would just stop lying to himself and trust his gut feeling… he could admit that he did, in fact, _not_ wanted it to stop. Instead, he wanted it to become reality. 

He was so fucked up. 

"Good morning to you, too, Hux." His head snapped up. Ben was grinning at him from out of his laptop. Shit. The video chat was still on. Had been on the whole time. Oh force. 

Hux dashed forward and closed it immediately. Fuck. 

"Oh lord, this is not happening to me now," he growled. Ben called again. He shut down the whole thing. 

Damn. This was it, then. Ben had made the decision for him. Hux would never ever see him again. He’d tell his dad to move to a different planet, or better, a different solar system. Ben had probably been watching the whole time and shit, why did he have to moan his name? As if it hadn’t been obvious enough who he’d been thinking about. 

Even Hux had tried to keep it a secret from himself. He’d done good in never completely allowing himself to think about how much he desired his best friend and _now he fucking knew._ This was really bad news. 

  


**|~|**

  


It was as if their fight hadn’t happened. Hux did his best to ignore Ben’s attempts at communication, torturing the both of them. But he was way too embarrassed to talk to him. 

On Sunday and Monday, Ben was teasing him nonstop. If he’d know how proud Hux was showing off his bruises (he didn’t hide them, but rather stared at them every time he saw a reflection of himself), he’d never shut up about it. Hux was glad that he’d hurt Ben too much too visit his classes. 

Tuesday, he had sent a short text telling him he was sorry that he hadn’t stopped the video chat, but Hux knew he was lying. Not after what had happened between them. Ben had enjoyed it, for sure. That didn’t make things easier, though. 

Wednesday night, Hux got a message that said, _you don’t know how hot that was._ Now Hux got genuinely mad at him. He couldn’t stop himself from responding, _fuck off._

"Are you still fighting?", Phasma asked him during lunch on Thursday.

"Again," Hux replied curtly.

"What did he do now? Tell you he missed you?"

"No. He just, kind of exploited a situation and saw something he wasn’t supposed to see."

"Like what? Your dick?" While Phasma laughed about her suggestion, he choked on his food. 

"Oh, don’t tell me that really happened." Hux coughed instead, but didn’t shake his head either.

"Shit. And that did not turn into a lot of sex? What’s wrong with you two?" 

_Everything._

  


**|~|**

  


Ben had left him alone after his message. On Sunday, Hux’s father demanded that he’d fix this; they'd gotten too far to stop now. And well, Hux also couldn’t stand the silence anymore. This whole situation was ridiculous. He swallowed his pride and texted Ben, _We need to talk. I’m coming over. Now._

He needed to clarity. Despite all that had happened between them and that he wished could happen…  
He wanted his friend back. 

General Leia opened the door, surprise flashing over her face.

"Sorry to interrupt you on a Sunday, General, I just really need to see Ben." 

She stared him down and Hux obediently lowered his gaze, waiting for her approval. He was glad that he’d put on decent clothes, even if he hadn’t shaved. Ben always said Sundays were meant for relaxing, but that was obviously his dad speaking. The former princess wore a very elegant, silky dress. 

"If you say so, come in. Ben’s up in his room. Han and I are on the run anyways, so you can talk in peace." Hux nodded and entered the house. He slipped out of his boots and started climbing the stairs, two at a time, when General Leia called after him.

"Hux! Be gentle, okay?" 

"Of course," he answered, hinting a reassuring smile. 

Before Hux entered Ben’s room, he noticed his racing heart and his shaking hands. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. The only time he’d felt like that was years ago, but he’d learned to fight down his fear. He wasn’t willing to be afraid of Ben. No matter how all this turned out.

Hands curled into fists, he knocked and let himself in without waiting for his response. 

Ben was sitting on his bed with his back leaned against a wall and a blanket pulled up to his neck. He was buried under loads of pillows, so the only visible thing was his head. Hux raised an eyebrow at him. 

"Didn’t read any of my answers, did you?" Ben snarled. 

"To be honest, I didn’t give a fuck," Hux replied, closing the door behind him. "We really need to talk and you know it."

"And you couldn’t have waited until I’d actually be ready for it?" 

"You know that’s a lame excuse." Hux went over to sit down on the opposite side of the bed, mirroring his position. 

"Just don’t start again, like, _this was all a mistake_ and _I didn't mean it_ or such bullshit. Last week’s incident clearly confutes that." 

"Fine, I won’t…" Hux lowered his gaze, trying hard not to blush. "So, I am attracted to you. Really damn much. Doesn’t mean we can’t go on like before." Hux could’ve kicked himself for saying the last sentence. _Liar._ But this was better than being turned down. 

"Hux, the problem is that, theoretically speaking, if we’d repeat that incident, you’ll only be disappointed. I’m not who you think I am." Ben got more and more quiet with every new word, his voice almost breaking. 

"Spare me, Ben. What are you hiding? Just tell me, I won’t leave." _Can't be worse than my secrets._

"Says the one who left me twice this month." Hux groaned. 

"And I came back every time, right? Staying apart from you isn’t really my thing and I don’t intend to change that." He knew he was getting annoyed again, but he was so sick of this. He just wanted to know what Ben’s problem was. If he felt pressured or didn’t want more than friendship, fine, he’d manage. He’d just swallow his inappropriate thoughts and pretend as if they never crossed the line. 

Ben took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 

"Ben isn’t my real name. It’s Jaina." 

_Oh. How could I miss that?_

Hux remembered so many things at once. Ben’s fear of undressing in front of others. Why the nickname "princess" made him furious. The reason he never stayed overnight. 

_Now a lot of things make sense._

All of a sudden, Ben tried to enter his head through the force. Hux almost snapped. "Don’t you dare do that, Solo," he choked out. 

"Well, then don’t just leave me hanging like that! Say something!" Ben’s voice was shaking. 

"It doesn’t matter," Hux stated. Some of the tension left Ben, and Hux knew he was on the right path. "You’re Ben. Always have been, always will be. I don’t care about this Jaina. She’s clearly not you. You’re not a girl." 

"But my body-"

"Your body doesn’t have to do anything with your mind, does it?" 

Hux could see the tears before they even came. Every stupid incident forgotten, he moved over and had him in his arms. _Finally._

"Ouch, be careful," Ben whispered, face buried in the crook of his neck. 

"You’re such an idiot. You should’ve told me ages ago." Hux was shaking his head over him, smiling a little. 

"I couldn’t risk losing you." 

"You won’t. I won’t leave you again, I promise." 

  


**|~|**

  


Hours later, Ben had told him everything. The way he’d never felt as if he could meet the expectation of a _lady_ , how he’d wanted the name Ben since he was little and that his family, especially his father, had a lot of trouble understanding it. He finished by telling him about the doctor’s explanation, how it had resonated so much. Hux listened patiently, absently playing with his hand, sometimes intertwining their fingers. Ben was sure that Hux had long noticed his not-so-flat chest, but he didn’t openly look there. Instead, their eyes were locked the whole time. Lying next to each other had never been much of a big deal and neither was it now. Ben sensed the anger Hux was trying to fight down whenever he told him about the names he got called from classmates, the thoughts of being a failure and disappointing his family.

When he had no words left, Ben whispered, "Thank you."

"What for? You’re turning this into a bigger deal than it has to be. It doesn’t change anything. You’re still my best friend."

"Well, I believe things have already changed enough for us in the past weeks." It was out before Ben could stop himself. _Awesome, couldn’t I have waited until the other topic was done?_

"Ben, I already told you, we can just pretend that it never happened. And last Sunday was just, I mean… I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have seen that." Hux closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He must’ve forgotten to conceal his freckles this morning, because right now, they were glowing. Ben wanted to kiss every single one of them.  
Hux tried to detangle their fingers, but Ben held on. 

"What if I don’t want to forget it?" Ben whispered, fighting against the lump that was stuck in his throat. He wished his heart would stop beating like crazy. Hux swallowed and the green and yellow bruises danced across his throat. 

"Stop that. You make me want to kiss you." Hux chuckled, but wouldn’t look back at him.

"Even after what you know now?"

"I told you, this doesn’t change how I see you."

"But you’re gay, and I’m not-"

"And you _are_ a guy." His eyes snapped up. "Besides, I said that so you’d finally get the hint. I don’t really think gender matters much to me, anyways." _You matter to me._

“Does that mean you’re pansexual?" Hux furrowed his brows in irritation.

"Smartass, if that’s the word, then yes, probably."

They stared at each other, slowly starting to smile. 

"So…" Hux began, question marks all over his face.

"So what?", Ben interrupted.

"I’m gathering the courage to ask you if I’m allowed to kiss you, shithead." Hux shoved him playfully against his arm.

"Go ahead, ask me, then." Ben let out a warm laugh at the way Hux turned red again. 

"Why does this feel a lot like proposing you?"

"I really think you should kiss me before you do that." 

Hux leaned in, already closing his eyes. When their lips were only inches apart, Ben put a hand on his chest and stopped him. Hux groaned with annoyance.

"You haven’t asked yet," Ben joked, while Hux rolled his eyes with a grin.

"You insufferable-"

Suddenly, the door swung open and Ben hastily pushed Hux away. If Hux wouldn’t have held onto the blanket out of instinct, he’d have landed on the floor. 

"Jaina, you… oh. What are _you_ doing here?" Han asked. His eyes shot daggers into Hux’s direction.

"Visiting Ben?" he replied, putting extra emphasis on the correct name. If possible, Han made an even more distressed face. 

"Whatever. Is he staying for dinner?" 

"I don’t-" he began, but Ben cut him off.

"Yes, he is."

"Fine," his dad said, "no funny business until then." With that, he left them alone again, leaving the door open. Ben waited until he was downstairs again, then made it fall shut with the force.

"I really don’t want to eat dinner with your family."

"I know, that’s why I’m making you join." Ben grinned at him. 

"I hate you," Hux said, trying to bite back his own smirk.

"I know." 

In one swift motion, Hux was right back at his side and pressed his lips on Ben’s mouth. Sighing into it, Ben grabbed the collar of Hux’s shirt and pulled him closer. 

"Is this what your dad would call _funny business_?" Hux murmured, causing Ben to chuckle.

"Definitely. They’re already pissed enough that we didn’t split up." Pausing for a second, Hux leaned back to look at him. His eyes were glowing with mischief.

"Then let’s piss them off some more, shall we?" 

  


**|~|**

  


Half an hour later, Leia called them down for dinner. Hux desperately tried to bring some order in his hair, while Ben giggled at the useless attempt. He was so full of happiness, it was wonderful.

"Stop laughing! Shit, I wish I wouldn’t have stayed, they’ll definitely notice what a mess you made out of me and I can never come back here." Hux added a few swear words that made Ben laugh so hard, he almost cried because his ribs hurt so much. 

"I bet you also told yourself you can never see me again after last Sunday and look how that turned out." 

Ben got up as well, walked up to him and took a look at himself. It didn’t matter how ruined he looked, his family was used to that by now, but what would give him away was the sparkle in his eyes. His happiness.  
Okay, and perhaps his swollen lips. 

"Is there any way we can avoid this dinner?" Hux asked, combing his hair with his fingers. 

"Absolutely not. By the way, Luke and Chewie are going to be there as well, I forgot to mention that."

"You forgot? You bastard, I have a reputation to lose. This is going to be a complete disaster!" 

"A reputation? Surely not. Just try not to talk much, that’s how I manage." Ben gave him a short kiss, just because he could, then went ahead. 

Luke and Chewie were clearly surprised to see Hux enter the living room after Ben. 

Chewie laughed. "Ah, what an honor, the boyfriend’s joining us tonight!" Ben had never been more thankful that Hux didn’t understand Wookie language. Also that his parents weren’t in earshot. 

"He’s not, uhm, you know." Without turning, he knew Hux gave him a questioning look. 

"Sure he isn’t," Luke said, a knowing grin on his face. "It’s totally not obvious that you two made out... sorry, I meant, made up." 

"I really can’t see why you’d come to this conclusion," Hux answered, irony loud and clear. 

"Me neither. So am I right to say that you do not need the help of a counsellor anymore?"

"No, probably not." 

"The only thing they should talk about is their undying love for each other," Chewie commented. Ben turned red, shook his head and sat down next to him, placing Hux between himself and his mom. 

"Do I want to know what he said?" Hux muttered into his ear, sending shivers down his spine.

"No, absolutely not." Ben smiled at him, suppressing the need to kiss him again.

"Pull yourselves together now, before your parents notice as well."

Three plates of pizza floated into the room, Leia shortly behind. Hux blinked at her. He’d known she was force-sensitive (she was a Skywalker, after all), but he hadn’t expected her to use it for something that trivial. Now he knew from which parent Ben had inherited this.

"It’s just us tonight. Han left last-minute, said he still had to repair something on the Falcon." 

"That’s a lie, everything’s prepared for the trip tomorrow," Chewie answered, but Leia just sighed knowingly. Hux nudged Ben until he translated it.

"If that’s because of me, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause trouble," Hux said.

"Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not your fault," Leia resisted. "Han has a habit of leaving whenever we’re fighting. He thinks it’ll fix it."

If Hux was surprised at her honesty, he didn’t show it. Ben still felt his guilt through the force. 

"Speaking of, I’m glad you two are talking again. Ben was miserable without you."

"Mom!" Ben exclaimed, being the only one who didn’t laugh at that. 

"So I’ve noticed." Fingers enclosed his own, squeezing softly. Hux continued to make polite small talk with his mom, but kept their hands entangled, even while they started eating. Ben tuned in and out of the conversation. Even though he wished that his parents wouldn’t have fought again _(because of him, it was always because of him)_ , he was glad that his dad wasn’t around. His mom was trying really hard, asking Hux all sorts of questions, about his family, how he managed to be on top of every class ("Why hasn’t this rubbed off onto you already, Ben?") and what plans he had for the future. The last one got kind of awkward.

"I’m not sure yet, I only know that I could see myself in a leading position." Partly true. Hux always talked about following in his dad’s footsteps and becoming a General. Well, considering that he'd served the Galactic Empire, Ben was glad Hux didn't mention it. 

"That’s quite an ambitious goal. If you continue to thrive like now, you definitely have potential." 

"Thank you very much, General Leia." The hint of a smile appeared on Hux’s face. 

"Leia is enough, by the way. I’ve known you for a while now, and you kind of belong to Ben, so, it’s fine." She smiled back at him.

Ben couldn’t take his eyes off of Hux. This meant a lot. His mom seemed to be getting used to them being friends, after all.

 _Friends._ Was that even still accurate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. :)
> 
> Next chapter: lots of angst centered around hux, but at least ben's happy


	6. BEFORE

Han had just vanished, without saying goodbye or telling Ben when he'd come back. 

Contrary to that, Hux’s mother was coming back. 

After five years of not hearing a word, she was on her way home. 

When Hux’s father had told him, he’d felt like throwing up. During optimistic times, he had hoped she would be gone for good; that maybe Supreme Leader Snoke wouldn’t dismiss her again, maybe because he needed her too much or for whatever reason there could be. It didn’t even matter. He just never wanted to see her again.

Remembering her made him anxious and paranoid, since he’d never known what to expect of her. She was impossible to read. One moment she was calm and collected and the next one she was cursing you for swallowing too loudly. The latter didn’t mean that she would stop acting composed, though. It also didn’t contribute in figuring her out. 

Worst of all, she would apparently stay for a longer time to supervise his progress. 

His father had told him Thursday night, when he came back home from Ben. Hux took one look at him, then turned around and left. It felt like being choked all over again, he couldn’t breathe and he was so close to losing it. Nails buried into his palms his feet brought him to the shooting gallery. 

It was empty. His hands found a revolver and he loaded it automatized, aiming at the targets.  
Suddenly, there were no colorful circles around it, but the hollow smile of his father, the cold, disappointed sneer of his mother. He squeezed the trigger over and over again, until their images were replaced by bullet holes. His skin was still on fire, his body full of rage and he needed to get it out, release all the fucked up memories that were coming up all at once. 

His parents, who'd never given a fuck about him. 

They'd just wanted to see him function like a damn machine. The last part was beaten into him, until he was able to not only shut out the pain, but also his emotions.  
Feelings were misleading and supposed to be buried deep inside. Orders should be executed without being questioned. 

And he could hear his mother again, whispering what an embarrassing failure their son was, who couldn’t even take a punch without crying and who was too fragile to actually put up a fight. _Tiny and full of freckles, who’d ever want to obey this weak nobody?_ He would never come as far as they did, he was the family disappointment, not worth a damn. 

And Ben, that fucking bastard, acting as if it wasn’t true, as if he actually wanted to be with him. 

Right after Snoke had sensed the potential in Ben, Hux was set up to turn him over, to gain his trust and his affection, make him dependent on Hux and then _destroy_ him.

Winning Ben as a friend had been easier than expected, and for the first time, his parents had been pleased with him. They’d smiled, even though it was surprised and empty nonetheless. _Maybe you’re not entirely useless, after all. Surely this task is simple enough for you, is it?_

And he was trying, but whenever he thought of Ben now he could only see his smiles, _honest_ and meant for _him_. Hux didn’t deserve him. He was ruined, wrecked and broken, but Ben actually cared about him and fuck, how much he _hated_ Ben for it. And he was feeling things for that stupid, stupid asshole and he was failing, because feelings were not part of his order and supposed to shut out and Hux was so weak, so fucking weak-

Someone grabbed his fist, yelling his name. 

"Hux! Stop it!" He opened his eyes, blinking at Phasma. His heart was racing, words still echoing through his head but fading at last.

"Shit Hux, I thought you’d never stop, you’re already bleeding so much." Phasma was prying his fists open and Hux examined them with Phasma. Apparently, he’d dug his nails into his palms until they were bleeding, but that wasn’t all, his knuckles were torn and bloody and how had he even gotten into the gym? He must’ve run over and then started to strike at the punching bag, over and over again, without realizing it. 

"What the fuck happened?" 

"She’s coming back," Hux whispered. His chest still felt heavy and the pain was slowly sipping through the adrenaline. Phasma understood, her eyes widening for a moment, then narrowing with rage. 

"Because of you and Ben?" 

"Of course. Everything’s because of Ben." Hux smiled bitterly. It made sense. His father must’ve noticed the change in him, even though Hux had tried to hide how weak Ben had made him. Because he wasn’t supposed to be weak. He was-

"Hey, snap out of it!" She grabbed his chin and made him look at her. 

"Concentrate on me now. You need to calm down. Take a deep breath. We need to take care of your hands, okay?" 

"It’s nothing, Phasma-"

"Oh, come on, just because your parents told you that you should endure pain doesn’t mean you have to."

"I’m not weak." He breathed in, breathed out, trying to fight the panic that was rising again. "I’m not weak, Phasma." She nodded. 

"No, you aren’t. You’re strong. And now calm down and just follow me. We’re going to my place." 

  


**|~|**

  


Phasma lived with her mom and her little sister. When they got there, her mom took care of his wounds; cleaned them, applied a salve and bandaged them. The last one wasn’t really necessary, since they all knew Hux would take them off before he'd return back home, but Hux was grateful nevertheless. 

"Okay. What’s gonna happen now?" Phasma started, after they went to her room and she’d made Hux sit down with an herbal tea. 

"Your father probably noticed that you and Ben started dating, since I haven’t told her yet." Hux flinched. For a moment, he had forgotten their little arrangement. When Hux had been set up for turning Ben over, his mother had put up Phasma to spy on him and inform her about his progress. Of course Phasma had told Hux immediately. Ever since, the both of them monthly debated which new information Phasma could feed her, so she’d believe Hux had everything under control and there would be no need for her to come back.  
"So he told your mother. Who potentially told Snoke you’re making progress." 

"You make it sound as if-"

"As if you’re only obeying your orders, because that’s what your parents have to believe. Hux, they mustn’t know how much you actually _care_ for Ben, you know that. You’ll have to be extra careful around them from now on. It’d probably be better if you stay at his place instead of taking him to yours. "

"Phasma, I... I know that. It’s just, I can’t do this anymore. I’m failing the whole thing, but he doesn’t deserve it. He’s so full of light. I can’t destroy it. I just can’t." 

"Okay, listen to me now." She gently took his hands into hers, waiting until he was looking back at her. "Are you listening?" He nodded. "Ben will be turned dark with or without you. You know how powerful the Supreme Leader is. He won’t rest until he has him. So would you rather stop the whole thing, lose Ben, maybe even get killed for giving up just so Ben will still be turned over in the end? Or would you rather keep an eye on him and have full control over his conversion by doing it yourself?"

"I can’t lose him," Hux murmured. For a moment, he wished he could just cry, release the pressure on his chest. It always helped Ben. But he couldn’t; he didn't know how.

"I know. I know how you feel." She attempted a smile. Hux saw the weight behind her words, he just didn’t understand exactly what she was saying. It didn’t matter, anyways.

"So you’ll obey. You’ll stay with him and turn him over, one step at a time, as you’ve done over the past months. It’s easy. One story here, one vision there. And you’ll manage, Hux. And then we’ll leave your parents and everything else behind and we’ll be one step closer to building our new empire. We’ll be free. We’ll do it the way we want to. We’ll rule the galaxy, _together_. You just have to be patient."

  


**|~|**

  


The first family meeting in years had been nothing but awful. His mother had wanted to know everything that had ever happened between him and Ben. Instead of being glad about his progress, she only complained that it took him so long. Of course she already knew about the drunken kiss, even though he hadn’t told his father. It wasn’t surprising, just annoying, but he’d rather go straight to hell than letting it show. 

In the end, she talked a lot about how important the mission had gotten, that there was basically no time left and he should start dating him _right now_ because Supreme Leader Snoke wanted his new apprentice before the year was over. This also meant that he, too, would be leaving soon. 

Then it would really just be Ben, Phasma and him at Supreme Leader Snoke’s secret base, starting their individual studies which would help them in leading the First Order. Hux didn't even dare to think about what would happen afterwards.

Until then, he’d have to pretend as if this plan didn’t exist. When he looked at Ben, it wasn’t really difficult to forget about it. Monday morning, Hux was greeted with a big smile and a hug that lasted almost a minute. "I missed you," Ben whispered, his lips grazing his ear and okay, they’d only been apart for three days, but he really didn’t mind. 

"The lovebirds strike again," Phasma commented, suddenly standing next to them. "That picture will gain me a few more hundred supporter on _Spacenet_."

"Is that really necessary?" Hux groaned, softly shoving Ben a good distance away from him. He pretended to not see the mortification on his face. 

"Why, yes, the whole galaxy needs to know that their most promising Padawan is now officially taken."

"You already told her?" Ben asked at the same time that Hux exclaimed, "It’s not official!" 

"Not yet. See you around," And off she went, leaving Hux with a very confused Ben. 

"I’m going to kill her, someday," Hux murmured. He knew Phasma was just trying to help him. Still, the thought of Phasma basically outing them annoyed the hell out of him. _Not yet, damn it._

"Does it bother you so much?" Ben asked, hurt as clear as always. Lord, he was so vulnerable. 

"Yes... no... I mean..." He groaned, "let’s just get going, class starts in a minute." 

"But-" Ben started, but was cut off when Hux put a finger on his mouth.

"We can talk about this later." _When no one’s staring anymore._ Hux forced a smile on his lips. Then he grabbed Ben’s shoulders, turned him around and pushed him forward. But of course Ben couldn't leave it like that. He took his hands, pulled them around himself and turned it into a hug from behind. 

"You’re ridiculous." Hux placed a kiss on top of Ben’s hair and slowly trailed down. When he reached his neck, Ben had goosebumps all over his skin and was humming with pleasure. Thankfully, the floor was empty by now, since everyone had long gone to their classes. 

"If we’d leave now, we’d have the whole house for ourselves." Ben’s voice was rough now and damn, that definitely did something to Hux. For a moment, he was tempted to give in. Until he saw something red out of the corner of his eyes and looked up to see his mother at the end of the corridor, walking towards them. _Oh no. Not now._

"Dream on, Solo," he said and let go of Ben, trying not to make it seem too sudden so Ben would be suspicious. 

"Oh, I’m ninety-nine percent sure I am dreaming, for that matter." Hux forced himself to smile, because that’s what he’d have done if he would’ve still been relaxed, not bribing with tension. 

"You can go on dreaming when we’re in politics." He put a hand on Ben’s lower back and started walking to the door of their class room, carefully shoving Ben ahead of him. Hopefully Ben didn’t notice the woman with the flaming hair, who was still staring at them with her cold and calculating eyes. She was almost in earshot. 

"Go ahead, I’ll be with you in a minute."

Hand already on the doorknob, Ben turned again, giving him a questioning look. "What-"

"Just go," he commanded. When Ben finally left, his mother arrived. 

"Are you spying on me now?" Hux snapped at her. Her eyes narrowed, her lips a thin line.

"Do I have to?" The intensity she stared him down with send chills down his spine. 

"No, of course not. I’m sorry, I forgot my manners." 

"I’ll let it slide. Only because I’ve seen the way you interact. You didn’t tell me you’re already more than friends."

"It’s not official yet, but I’m getting there." He kept his voice steady, eyes locked on the ground. _Perfectly obedient._

"Well, Ben seemed to melt in your arms," she sneered, nose crinkled with disgust. "You were convincing. Could’ve fooled me. I don’t have to remind you that you’re not supposed to get attached, do I?"

"No."

"Great." Her voice got higher, false cheer lightening it up. Hux wanted to vomit. 

"Is that all?" He dared to ask.

"Yes. You’re dismissed." She left without another look. 

Hux entered the lesson with his hands curled into fists because they were shaking so much. He fell into his seat next to Ben, who immediately put his datapad away to pay attention to him.

"Was that your mother?" 

"Unfortunately, yes." 

"When do I get to meet her? If she’s as nice as your dad, I bet it’d be fun."

"Sure," Hux replied, voice numb and hollow. "But she’s pretty busy, so don’t get your hopes up." 

  


**|~|**

  


Ben’s kisses were clumsy and eager, as if he’d never wanted to do anything else. Ben smiled at random moments and it made Hux’s knees wobbly. Hux could never stop himself from cupping his neck, ruffling through the short hair that had grown back by now. Ben mostly tip-toed during it, only to have an excuse to hold onto him the whole time, embracing his face with both hands. 

"I wanna do this whenever and wherever I want to." Hux broke their kiss and sighed. _Not again._

"It’s not that simple, Ben." 

"Everyone’s already believing it anyways, so what’s the big deal?" Ben pouted. 

"The big deal is that neither your, nor my parents would approve. And I don’t want them to come up with bad ideas to prevent us from... dating." The last word costed him quite an effort to actually say it. Ben was his boyfriend now - he still needed to get used to that idea.

"I hardly believe your parents would do that." _Neither do I. But I don’t want them to know. Not yet. I want you to stay my secret just for a little longer._

"But yours would. They don’t trust me," Hux argued. 

"Mom does. Besides, I don’t care." Ben leaned in for another kiss and Hux didn’t have the heart to stop him. 

"I care," Hux breathed out. Ben’s whole face lit up and lord, he was beautiful. Hux felt his cheeks go aflame. _Oh no._

"Your freckles," Ben giggled, leaning in and planting little kisses all over him and okay, Hux totally didn’t feel weak now. How could anyone consider this kind of happiness as bad?

"Stop it, you’re tickling me," he whispered, eyes squeezed shut. Then Ben’s lips found his again, kissing him so passionately it took his breath away. Hux grabbed his collar and pulled him closer. 

Suddenly they heard a growl, but when they realized that it was thunder, it had already started pouring. 

"Shit," Hux mumbled, but Ben just laughed and grabbed his hand, tugging him along. 

"There’s an empty building not far from here, come on." 

They ran as fast as they could and still ended up soaking wet. Ben had lead him under some kind of canopy instead of the promised house. He didn’t leave him any time to ask, just pushed him against the wall and pinned his arms above his head. 

"Let’s get you out of this," Ben said. He pulled Hux’s shirt off and let it fall to the ground. Keeping his arms up with one hand, he let the other one wander over his chest. Hux leaned his head back, swallowing a moan when Ben sucked a love bruise on his collarbone. 

"Just let go, it’s only me," he murmured, leaving a trail of kisses over his neck. And he really wanted to, but all of a sudden he saw the wicked smiles of his parents again, telling him he should take the last step, let Ben have him and now he was doing exactly as he was told and it felt fucking awful. Not the making out, that was amazing, but the feeling that it didn’t happen on his own terms. Hux wanted to have this because _he_ wanted to, not because he was merely obeying orders. 

"You okay?" Ben whispered into his ear, sending shivers down his spine. _I want to forget._

"Of course. Kiss me." Ben immediately did as he was told, letting his tongue slip into Hux’s mouth like it was the easiest thing in the world. Hux tried to focus on kissing back, to ignore the voice that mocked him, told him he didn’t deserve this and -

Ben broke the kiss and let go of him. 

"What is it?" Hux opened his eyes, exhaling slowly. "You know you can’t fool me. So what’s-"

"Shh. Do you hear that?" He interrupted, deliberately looking to the side. There had really been something that sounded like a yelp. 

"No, Hux, and stop changing the topic. Something’s bothering you. Tell me," Ben demanded. He waited for Hux to look back at him, but when he didn’t, he groaned. 

"Just let me go check." The noise was coming from his right and it was definitely an animal. It sounded as if it was scared, or maybe even in pain. Ben chose to ignore it. He lit up a cigarette and stood his ground, while Hux followed the sound until he was standing in front of a trashcan. There it was again, a high-pitched howling. He opened it and found the source of the sound. 

Upon a heap of rubble sat a little puppy, fur covered with ash. 

"Oh lord, Ben, come here immediately." Hux had lowered his voice. The poor thing was already giving him a panicked look and tried to hide behind an empty water bottle.

"Shh, it’s okay, I won’t hurt you," he whispered. Gently, his hands enveloped the puppy, lifting it up and out of the garbage. Ben was finally at his side again now. 

"Who would do this? It can’t be older than a few weeks. It’s so tiny." 

"And it’s too cold. Get me my shirt, I’ll wrap it around him." Obviously not wanting to leave, Ben just raised his hand and the shirt flew over. 

"Shouldn’t we wash it beforehand?" Ben suggested, but Hux shook his head. "Let’s get him warm first." 

While Hux hold him, Ben wrapped him into the shirt, covering everything but his little snout. His eyes were wide open and he was still trying to bail out of panic.

"I think it’s a she," Ben said. Holding it close to his chest, Hux looked up again. A warm smile was meant for him. "Here, take this." Ben had slipped out of his jacket, took one step closer and then coated it around his shoulders. "Oh, you look awesome like that." 

"Oh, please start thinking with your brain for once, thank you very much. Let’s get her to a doctor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. :)
> 
> Next chapter: taking care of a puppy is harder than expected. (some fluff again)


	7. BEFORE

"Ben, do you really think we need _ten_ different toys?" 

Hux had finally looked up from his datapad. After they’d gotten out of the doctor’s office with their just adopted puppy, he’d started doing research on how to raise dogs. All the way to the animal store, Hux hadn’t even glanced at him, sighing occasionally and furrowing his brows. Ben had expected him to take this way too seriously, like he always did, but when worry flashed over his face, Ben was inclined to stop him from overreacting any further. How hard could it be to raise a puppy? They’d handle this.

Right now, Hux grimaced at the amount of stuff Ben had piled into their shopping cart. On top of feeding dishes, collars and a leash were a bunch of toys: a stuffed Ewok that was at least twice as big as their puppy was, a pink rubberball, something that looked like a cross between a Taun Taun and a wookie and way more. Hux stopped trying to figure out what else there was and shot him an estimating look. Ben shrugged. 

"Hey, don’t look at me like that. How are we gonna know she likes them? I mean, what if we only buy one or two and she can’t stand them? It’s not like I can ask her."

"Well, of course you could." He nodded at their puppy, who was curled up in the bed they’d put on the lower level of the cart. 

"I’m not gonna wake her now, it took long enough for her to fall asleep in the first place." 

"You idiot." Hux groaned. "Are you force-sensitive or are you not?" 

"Well, I am, but I’m not invading her mind now! She’s been through enough already. We should just let her rest."

Hux huffed exasperated, rolling his eyes. Ben knew this look. It meant that he was too annoyed with him to be reasonable now, even if Ben was right. Which he totally was right now. 

"Well, we’re not buying that many toys. I don’t care how, but you have to choose which one it will be," Hux argued and looked back on his datapad. _Thanks a lot, asshole._

"Why, because you don’t care enough or because you’re being stingy?" Ben couldn’t hold back.

"It’s none of that, Solo. Don’t forget, you wouldn’t even have her now if it weren’t for me. You’re the one who didn’t give a damn!" 

They glared at each other, neither one of them willing to back down. 

Lost in discussing, they didn’t notice that they’d already woken up their puppy. She bailed right out of the shopping cart, running down the aisle. 

Only when someone cleared their throat right next to them, they snapped out of it.

"That yours?" an employee asked them, the puppy crouched in his hands. He couldn’t be much older than them and when Ben turned to him, he suddenly started gaping at him. Before either of them could answer, he squealed. 

"By Caraya’s soul, you’re Han Solo’s daughter! Jaina, right?" Ben flinched. 

"Actually, I go by Ben," he choked out, cheeks burning of shame. Their unnecessary fight forgotten, Hux took hold of his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. 

"Oh really? Like Ben Kenobi? I’ve always loved that story as well. Not to criticize Luke’s ways of teaching, but Obi-Wan’s methods back in the Clone War were simply terrific. Wish I’d have lived in the same era as he did." Ben and Hux exchanged a glance, eyebrows raised. "Still, it’s awesome meeting the daughter of Han Solo, too! My friends will never believe this, Jaina Solo in my shop!"

"Yeah, well… can you please not call me that? And would you be so kind and give her to me, you’re almost crushing her," Ben answered, gaze fixed on their puppy. When he handed her over to him, he hugged her to his chest. She was shaking of distress and Ben murmured soft, calming words to her while slowly stroking her fur. 

"I don’t understand. I’m calling you by your birth name, what’s wrong with that?"

"What’s wrong is that _he_ told you his name is Ben. And if you intend to intend to keep your job, Mr.," Hux glimpsed at the name tag, "Bronx, then you should respect that."

Bronx tried to wither Hux with his look, but he stood his ground. Ben wished he could somehow tell the employee that he should not test Hux; that would only make it worse.

"Whatever. Aren’t you the redhead from her _Spacenet_ account?" Ben cringed at the wrong pronoun, but the employee just went on ranting. "The mysterious boyfriend no one cares about? Hux, was it? Or do you have some airs and graces now, too?" he sneered. 

Hux went rigid, hands balled into fists, jaw set. 

"Oh, you know, judging by your second-hand uniform, that poor haircut, your not very decent smell and the fact that no one has taught you basic manners, I understand that a school dropout like you doesn’t recognize when it’s wise to keep his mouth shut. Still, one could assume you’d know not to piss off customers who are rich enough to buy this store." He let out a disappointed sigh and shook his head. "The _Nobody_ you just insulted will one day be powerful enough to not only get you fired, but also executed. But, until then, have fun explaining to your boss why your lack of tact will cost you your job."

Suddenly, Hux smiled sweet and false. Ben didn’t recognize him. He was more taken aback by him than the damn employee, though. Now it had been his turn in getting angry. _Please, don’t._

"Who do you even think you are, asshole?" Bronx grinded his teeth and cracked his knuckles. 

"Someone with a very promising future," Hux answered, before simply walking straight ahead, forcing the employee to back out of the way. Ben had to run after him to keep up. 

When they were out of the store, Ben grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"Damn Hux, what was that? You didn’t have to threaten him just because he was being an idiot."

"Well, maybe I’m fucking tired of letting people disrespect me? One day, I’ll own this shitplace of a galaxy and make all the bastards pay who messed with me. With us. That guy just got his name onto the death list." Hux was already grinning again, but Ben couldn’t forget that cold, arrogant look that had sent chills down his spine. 

His mind was spinning. _Does he really believe that he’ll end up ruling the galaxy? To become powerful enough to make everyone pay who mocked them? How could he switch from being stone-cold to euphoric in a matter of seconds?_ But Ben didn’t want to tempt his luck by asking any of these questions. The creepy feeling still lingered. Instead of addressing it, he attempted a joke.

"You keep a death list?" 

"Sure. It’s alphabetized." 

  


**|~|**

  


By the end of the day, they had gotten everything they needed at a different pet store. 

Hux had switched back to normal, at least that’s what he tried to make Ben believe. Still, he knew him good enough to notice that something was off nonetheless. Something had changed; he was even tenser than he usually was and his smiles came a beat too late, as if he had to force himself. 

Ben had asked him if he’d done something wrong, but Hux had only furrowed his brows and kissed him, mumbling _no, of course not._

Was it because they’d suddenly ended up with a puppy? No, he’d behaved odd beforehand, too. Could it be because his mother had returned? Hux never talked about her and at some point, Ben had just assumed he didn’t even have a mom. Until last week, when he’d told him that he had to spend the weekend with his _parents_ , using the plural form for the first time ever.

Right now, they were back at Ben’s house. Hux was spread apart on his bed, the little pup curled up on his chest. They were both drifting in and out of sleep, occasionally blinking at Ben. It was lovely.  
Ben had snapped a photo to remember this and send it to Phasma, who almost shouted back at him via text message, urging him to upload it onto his _Spacenet_ account. He did, and his caption said: _most adorable sight in the galaxy._

If Hux would find out about that, he’d probably be mad and claim stuff like, "I have a reputation to lose." or start arguing again that they should postpone the coming out thing. 

Ben looked at Phasma’s account and found the pic she had taken earlier, the caption stating: _officially boyfriends now._ So much for that. 

Still, he couldn’t figure out what Hux’s problem was. Surely he wasn’t embarrassed of him… right? 

Hux stirred and opened his eyes, looking for him until he found him sitting at his desk, his homework for politics opened but yet to be started.

"Come here," he mumbled, patting on the empty side of the bed. Ben sighed and climbed over him, sitting down and leaning against the wall. Not quite what Hux had had in mind. He tugged at his legs and made him lie down next to him, without taking his eyes off of him. 

"What’s wrong?" he whispered, while enveloping the puppy and lifting it off his chest. He rolled to the side and took her with him, placing her down in-between their bodies. She yelped a little, but didn’t wake up. 

"We don’t have a name yet. Any ideas?" Ben replied, rather looking at the puppy instead of him. 

Her basic color was a very light brown, like the coffee his mom drank every morning, more milk than caffeine. She had black points everywhere. Her floppy ears and both front paws were completely dark, whereas the snout was almost as white as snow, only dotted with a few black sprinkles that reminded him of Hux’s freckles. 

"If she would be a boy, I’d have said something like Tarkin," Hux said and Ben snorted. 

"I’d have gone for Vader." 

"Classic, real classic, Ben." Hux leaned forward and kissed his nose. Ben captured his lips instead. 

"What about Evie?" Hux proposed. 

"Like evil? No chance. She’s too lovely. Theia?"

"Well, I’m not gonna run around the corridors and shout _Theia_ at the top of my lungs when she bails the next time."

"That’s it! Bailey! We name her Bailey." Right at this moment, she woke up and looked at them, curious now. Ben ruffled through her fur, tickling behind her ears. She stumbled back over to Hux, squealing when she tripped. 

"But Bailey is so… ridiculous."

"Yeah, but just look at her. She _is_ ridiculous. Ridiculously adorable," Ben argued. She was trying to catch his fingers and he let her. She nipped at them, trying to bite him with her baby teeth. 

"Ouch!" Ben exclaimed, jerking his hand back and provoking a questioning look. 

"No, Bailey, don’t," Hux added, quiet but firm. She even seemed to listen to him, looking up ruefully at them. At that moment, Ben knew Hux would be a good "dad". He had the right kind of self-control to train her. 

Ben continued to stroke her fur and looked back up at Hux, just to catch him already staring. His heart skipped a beat.

"Fine. Bailey it is, then."

  


**|~|**

  


Bailey had been seriously underweight when they’d found her. Everything indicated that she’d just been tossed away by her former owner, for whatever sick reason. 

When the vet had proposed that they could adopt her, Ben had immediately said yes. Even though Hux wasn’t very fond of the idea to care for a puppy that seemed to be seriously damaged by her past, he’d agreed as well. Also because he couldn’t turn Ben down, but he would never admit that. 

She’d stay at Ben’s place, since Hux had told him his father was allergic to pet hair. It was a cheap lie, but Hux didn’t intend to tell him that he didn’t want her to suffer from more traumatic experiences. His parents would break her will, force her to obey and maybe even train her to be an aggressive sidekick to Hux himself. 

No, it was definitely better to let Bailey stay at Ben’s house. Everyone living here would treat her with the love and kindness she deserved. 

Over the last hours, they’d taken turns in feeding her some special milk from a baby’s-bottle the vet had given them. However, whenever Ben attempted to, she’d get restless and bail, until Hux held her again. It was kind of ironic, Hux thought. _Maybe she trusts me more because she feels I’ve been treated as worthless by my owners as she has._

In the evening, Ben was downright frustrated. 

"I don’t get it. Why does she still get scared of me?" Ben said and looked up from her. Right now, she was asleep and curled up in his lap, comfortable again. Hux was about to leave, his bag already hung over his shoulder. 

"Give her some time. She’ll come around soon enough, it’s been just a few hours."

"Yeah, but what if she won’t eat tonight because of that? What if I’ll scare her even more when I’ll freak out then?"

"You won’t freak out, Ben. I don’t doubt that you’ll manage." 

"Can’t you stay here tonight? In case I won’t." Ben pouted, giving him the same puppy look Bailey did really well. Hux leant down to kiss him goodbye.

"I didn’t even study yet and I-"

"You could study here. Hey, you could go over, get your stuff and grab some clothes for tomorrow and then come back. I don’t think your parents would mind." _Oh, they wouldn’t. They’d be pleased._

"But it’s Monday, Ben! You know I probably don’t sleep very long tonight. I’d just annoy you." 

"Even better, you can watch over her and _I_ get to sleep," Ben smirked at him, but Hux leaned back to leave. 

"Please, Hux. Just one night."

  


**|~|**

  


Of course it wasn’t _just one night._ Hux stayed for the next four days, basically moving in with them.  
Leia didn’t mind, and since Han wasn’t back yet, neither did he. Hux’s parents only saw this as progress and were glad that their son was gone. 

Thursday night, Ben woke up to Hux laying down next to him, hugging him from behind and kissing the back of his neck. 

"How late is it?"

"Three am. Go on sleeping, I just fed her and took her outside, she should be alright until we have to get up," Hux whispered, his lips tickling a little. 

"Wonderful," Ben murmured, shifting closer to Hux and intertwining their legs, feet touching. Hux let out a soft groan.

"Ben, can you not – shit, stop moving!" He breathed out a few curses.

"What? I’m not doing anything!" Ben argued, feeling his sleepiness fading away to be replaced by annoyance.

"You’ve got your... I mean… can you _kindly_ remove your ass from my crotch." 

_Oh._ Ben smirked, moving closer on purpose now. 

"Stop, goddammit!"

"I don’t think you want me to, do you?" 

Ben turned around and climbed on top of him, crushing their lips together. Hux wrapped his legs around Ben’s waist, grinding their hips together. Ben clawed at his hair, moaning into his mouth before kissing his way over his jawline.

"You know, this is what I dreamt about, that day," Hux mumbled. 

"Tell me about it." _So I can do exactly what you want me to do._

"It wasn’t really that much of a big fantasy, more like, the feeling of it?" 

"The way I’m making you lose your precious self-control?" Ben guessed and bit down on his neck, hard enough to leave bruises. Hux didn’t answer, just gasped his name. 

"You really have no idea how hot that was, do you? I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the whole week."

"Only a week? I’m offended," Hux replied, chuckling low in his throat.

"Idiot," Ben said, boxing him against his side. Hux grabbed his hand and rolled them around so he was on top now. Their eyes met. For a second, there was nothing but their beating hearts. 

"Do you think we’d be doing this now, if I wouldn’t have seen it?" Ben whispered, serious again all of a sudden. 

"Ben, shut up." _Probably not, then._

"Make me."

"I’m trying." And they kissed again, until Ben’s head was spinning and he wanted nothing but to say _screw it_ and take the next step. They’d only ever snogged until now, always hesitating to actually touch anywhere _below the belt._ Hux had already thought about it as well, so maybe he was just waiting for Ben’s permission? But why didn’t he ask, then? Maybe he could just…

Ben pulled off Hux’s shirt before playing around with the hem of his boxershorts. Hux understood immediately.

" _Now?_ It’s three am!" Hux tried to cover up his annoyance by lifting his brows in curiosity. _So much for that._

Ben leaned up to kiss him once more, to pretend that just didn’t happen, but Hux held him back. 

"What does it matter?" Ben whispered. 

"I have to get up in three hours, that’s why." Ben felt like he’d been slapped.

"Well, you could just tell me you don’t want it." He pushed Hux off and turned away from him, pulling up the blanket cover himself. 

Hux sighed. "Ben, I’m just tired, I’ve been up since-"

"Cut it off, Hux. I got it." _How could I ever believe he’d still want me, now after he knows the truth?_

"Ben, look at me." _No._

"You’re being an idiot. I just didn’t imagine it like that. Not with Bailey sleeping right there and me being so tired my whole body aches and I’m about to lose my mind because of it."

It made sense, but it still hurt.

"Lord, why do you have to make everything about you?" Hux mumbled, lying down at the other end of the bed, probably turned away from him as well. 

"Well, maybe it just sucks to get rejected all the damn time?" Ben choked out after a few minutes of silence. He didn’t get an answer; Hux was already asleep. 

  


**|~|**

  


Ben couldn’t fall asleep anymore. He knew he’d been selfish. How long were they dating now, two weeks? He still couldn’t think of him as his _boyfriend_ ; the word itself felt new and somewhat unreal. 

Shouldn’t that also mean that something changed between them? They were still doing the same things as before, just added kissing and cuddling. 

What did relationships even mean? Didn’t couples go on dates and all this stuff? He remembered that his parents used to have dinner at a nice restaurant every now and then, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t imagine Hux and himself in one. 

The only thing they had in common was the constant bickering, even though he always ended up losing arguments against Hux – he could always talk him over, arguing until he’d proved Ben wrong and never giving up beforehand. He even did that better than Ben’s mom and she was a General, after all. How would an argument between Hux and Leia look like? 

Force, he should really fall asleep again. His brain was coming up with stupid stuff.

But the way Hux had spoken to that employee wouldn’t vanish out of his head. 

He’d been arrogant, intimidating, his words full of ice and meant to cut. Ben knew the cocksure way Hux treated other people with; his will was as hard as iron and no one could break him. 

Most days, Ben admired his qualities as a leader, knowing he could never act as tough as Hux. But whenever he saw him like that, the softness that he showed Ben afterwards seemed false, as if he’d been more at peace with shutting his emotions off.

Right now, curled up into a little ball, as if he needed to protect himself even in his sleep, Hux looked more vulnerable than he probably liked. There was a shadow of his returning stubble, which made his features even edgier. Hux’s posture was slimmer than his own, and if Ben would be able to grow a beard, he’d relish in the masculinity boost, so Ben didn’t understand why Hux kept shaving his off.

Around four am something crashed, so loud that Ben almost bolted out of his bed. Hux didn’t even stir. Ben opened the door of his room with the force and heard someone curse so violently, it could only be his dad. 

_Finally._

In a matter of seconds Ben had run downstairs and flung himself into his Han’s arms. 

"Hey little rebel, did I wake you?" he asked softly, dropping his bags to hug him back properly.

"No, you didn’t," Ben murmured against his leather jacket.

"Is everything okay? Did anything happen to you or Leia?" Concern sipped through his dad’s tone, straining it even further than normally. 

"Everything’s fine. I just missed you." Han exhaled slowly, relieved. "Don’t leave without saying goodbye again." 

"I promise I won’t." They let go of each other and exchanged a warm smile. His dad looked tired and he hadn’t shaved in the past time. Ben spotted his blaster dangling from his belt, but he looked uninjured. 

"If you’re up now anyways, you can guess what I brought with me from Felucia."

"Chocolate?" Ben asked. Years ago, when he’d been little, his dad had once stolen a few pieces of chocolate and smuggled them through half the galaxy just to bring them home. It remained the best thing Ben had ever eaten, no matter what other delicacy’s Han had brought with him by now. Ever since, he always asked Han about it, but without expecting him to say yes. 

His dad’s grin widened, his eyes glinting with proud.

"You really got some?!" 

"Yes. This time, I actually managed."

  


**|~|**

  


Wrapped into a blanket and sipping on hot cocoa, his dad told him about his trip. He still described his stories as dramatically exaggerated as he did when Ben had been a kid. They both knew they weren’t nearly as heroic as he made them seem, but it didn’t matter. 

At some point, Ben debated whether or not to tell him about what had evolved between Hux and him, despite knowing Han wouldn’t agree with it. The decision turned out not to be his, after all. 

When Hux entered the living room, Ben wanted nothing more than to die of shame. Of course he couldn’t have known Han was back. If he had, he’d have bothered to put some clothes on.

Now, he was only wearing a blue boxershorts that belonged to Ben. On top of that, he was probably oblivious to the fresh bite-mark on his neck. Nevertheless, there were love bruises all over his chest, some faint but others still perfectly visible shades of purple. Hux had Bailey cradled in his hands and was about to start ranting, when he saw Han and froze. "Oh force, no." 

"Exactly," Han gave back, not nearly as shocked as Ben had expected him to be. 

"I’ll be right back," Hux choked out, dropping Bailey in Ben’s lap and then almost running out of the room, his face the same color as his hair.

"So you _are_ doing funny business now?" Han stated, before breaking into a laugh. "Damn, I wish I would be surprised."

"Don’t be mad, okay? It just kind of happened," Ben explained, sheepishly looking down.

"I’m not. You should just know that if that bastard even dares to hurt you, I’m going to shoot him. Literally."

"I can assure you, I won’t give you any occasion for that." Hux had come back, now with a shirt and the attempt at combed hair. He sat down next to Ben, legs brushing and hands intertwining. Han pretended to ignore it and nodded at Bailey instead. "You should explain this to me, though. Who’s that?" 

Bailey lazily blinked at Han and yawned. Then she saw the bottle of milk Hux had brought with him and was excited in a matter of seconds. Hux fed her, while she stayed in Ben’s lap, and told him how they’d found her.

"I bet Chewie will love her. I assume she’s staying at our place?" 

"Yeah, if that’s okay?"

"Sure it is. Just make sure she doesn’t eat any of the chocolate, that’s toxic to her." Having said that, Han got up. "I’ll go and check if Leia is up by now." He regarded them with one last glance, and then left them alone. 

They sat in awkward silence, until Hux sighed and wrapped his hands around Ben’s waist, placing his head on his shoulder. Ben leaned against him.

"I’m sorry. Did we wake you up?" he asked. 

"It’s fine," Hux murmured back and yawned. "Bailey did, actually. She noticed your absence and kept barking until I woke up and took her downstairs with me."

"Seriously?" Ben turned to Bailey and lifted her up, so her eyes were at the same level as his. "You missed me?" He buried his nose in the soft spot between her front paws. In response, she wiggled with her tail and barked happily. Hux had to bite his lips to stop himself from smiling too bright. It was probably his exhaustion that caused his heart to jump at the ridiculously adorable sight of Ben and Bailey. It had to be. 

"Yes, she did. I told you she likes you."

"But the question is, does she like me as much as you like me?" Ben glanced at Hux, who just rolled his eyes at him.

"Who ever said that I like you?" He answered, waiting a second to relish in the way Ben’s face fell, before breaking into a grin. "I think Bailey already likes you more than I like you, though."

"You asshole!" Ben set her down onto the couch table and Hux backed away, already expecting his revenge. It came in form of tickling.

Whenever he wasn’t sure how Hux laugh sounded, he did that. They both knew what it meant; that Hux should lighten up more, that he’d been distant the past days. Ben was always afraid to ask for the reason and Hux was more than thankful for that. 

He wouldn’t be able to tell him anyways. He’d rather keep his silence than change it into lies. 

Ben only stopped tickling when Hux was laughing so hard, he couldn’t breathe anymore. This time, Bailey barked along, wagging her tail in excitement. It was almost as adorable as the smile that stayed on Hux’s lips when he kissed him. 

_I love you._ The thought echoed through Ben’s head at the same time as Hux changed the topic. 

"By the way, what’s chocolate?" 

"You’ve never heard of chocolate?" 

Hux shrugged. "Should I?"

"Of course! It’s the best thing in the whole galaxy! Here, try it!" Ben almost shoved the bar of chocolate that he and his dad had opened earlier into his hand. If Hux was surprised at his change of mood, he didn’t show it, still smiling that ridiculous smile that made Ben’s knees wobbly. 

"Close your eyes and open your mouth." Hux did as he was told. Slowly, Ben placed the last piece of chocolate on his tongue. 

"Let it melt in your mouth, that makes it even better." He kept his eyes closed, but a tiny smile crept back into his face. 

"You love it," Ben stated. _Force, I love you._

"It’s good, yes."

"Only good? You gotta be kidding me!" He scuffed into Hux’s side, causing him to open his eyes again. 

For a moment, neither of them blinked. Ben heard his heartbeat drumming in his ears. When he leaned in to kiss him, it felt as if something changed between them. Or just in Ben himself, maybe.

He let himself accept that against all reasoning, he’d ended up falling in love with Hux. 

It wasn’t something that shocked him. Even though it had happened quite slowly, he’d noticed the way he was becoming addicted to his best friend, depending even. That imagining a future without him had become impossible.

And while they kissed, Ben was unable to think of anything else than, _I love you. I love you. I love you._

He couldn’t know that Hux sensed it through the force.  
He couldn’t know that he just signed his own death warrant.  
He couldn’t know that this meant Hux’s mission was complete. 

But Hux did. 

And with the sweet taste of chocolate on his tongue, Hux fell apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. :)
> 
> Next chapter is being delayed for one week, just so you know. Prepare for some angst yet again.


	8. BEFORE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so terribly sorry it took so long! :O if i say i met my now girlfriend, is that an excuse enough?

Hux shut off completely. No thinking nor feeling, just functioning like the machine he was supposed to be. 

It was blissful, and the only way to keep his sanity. 

He couldn’t allow himself to think about the fact that Ben loved him. It would only… _no, don’t._

He didn’t need those thoughts, especially not right now, when he was heading home to inform his parents about his success. 

_Home._ This empty house had never felt safe. Bleak walls, stiff cushions and furniture that was so polished you didn’t dare to touch it. There was no indication that someone actually lived here, which was kind of fitting, since all he did was _survive._

Until he was out of here. This was the only thought he allowed himself – _It will all be over soon._ He could almost taste his freedom, close as it was. 

Before he entered, he brushed off the last dog hairs that were still clinging to his clothes, corrected his posture and made sure his face was a mask of calm indifference. 

Everything in him screamed at him to run, but that didn’t matter. He went in.

The silence was tomblike. Hux didn’t dare to break through it, but resisted the urge to tiptoe down the hall. He had some pride left. 

His father was sitting in his office, working at his desk. Hux waited until he turned around and permitted him to talk. 

"I need to speak with you and mother. I have news about the mission," Hux said, eyes lowered to the ground. 

"Good news, I assume?" His father answered. Hux could feel his skin tingle under the calculating gaze of his father, but he’d learned to ignore it. 

"Yes."

"Very well. I’ll inform her. Wait for us in the conference room."

Hux did as he was told and waited. One hour, two hours, eventually he lost track of time. Hux already knew those tasks existed to exercise his patience. It wasn’t hard anymore, just annoying, considering how much he still had to study for tomorrow’s exam in strategy lesson. He was sure Ben had already texted him multiple times, but he knew better than to check. It wasn’t important right now. 

When they finally arrived, it was dark outside. His stomach was cursing him for having been ignored so long and his head felt dizzy, but he forced himself to focus. His wellbeing had never mattered to his parents. If no one had ever cared about you, it was easy to forget you even needed to do so yourself. 

Hux stood, his suddenly trembling fingers quickly curled into fists. _You’re not weak. Don’t act like it._

"Brendol said you made satisfying progress on the mission?" His mother started, her exasperated tone revealing her desire not to be here. She had better things to deal with than her son. Hux almost felt guilty, but then he remembered how desperately he wanted this mission to be over. 

"Yes, that is correct." His parents sat down on the other side of the table and gestured him to sit down as well. Hux leaned forward and placed his hands before him, intertwining them. He kept his gaze up and looked right back at them. 

"Ben loves me."

Hux didn’t feel anything when he said it. In fact, he felt completely numb in general. It was more as if someone else said those words, talking about a different person. 

"Did he tell you so?" His father asked.

"Not yet, but I’ve heard his thoughts echo through the force. He admitted it to himself and accepted it. In addition, he also realized that he can’t imagine a future without me."

"Let me see if you’re speaking the truth," his mother answered. Seconds after, he felt her poking around in his head, searching through his memories. Hux had almost forgotten how cold her presence felt like, and he fought hard in keeping his guards lowered instead of fighting it. She didn’t linger, but jumped out as soon as she'd seen the whole morning. He was glad; there had been a time where she'd spent hours in his head, twisting and bending his thoughts to her will. But that wasn't necessary anymore. 

"That little idiot really believes you two will live happily ever after." She chuckled. "How pathetic."

"He's able to look into you just as easily and refuses to do so. _That_ is truly pathetic," his father added.

"He trusts me," Hux held against and immediately wished he hadn't said it. He shouldn't defend Ben. Thankfully, they didn't notice exactly why he said it. 

"Good for us, bad for him." His parents exchanged a malicious smile. 

"I think it is time for you to introduce Ben and me." Hux turned to ice inside. _No._ "I'm dying to see how madly he's fallen for your façade. But until then, go back to him. Let him love the lies you’ve created for him."

And Hux obeyed. 

  


**|~|**

  


He spent Friday trying to choke out that Ben should meet his mother. 

They’d shared the whole day’s lessons together, but whenever Hux tried to say it, he froze, words stuck in his throat. His fear was completely irrational. Nothing would go wrong; his mother would probably treat Ben with more kindness than his father already did. She could be a charming woman, adored by everyone who became a victim of her games. 

By now, afternoon had arrived and Hux was stuck in physical combat training. Due to their last incident, Master Skywalker wouldn’t allow Ben and Hux to spar together. Hux couldn’t say that he minded it. 

Phasma and him had been training together for several years now, and fighting against her was somewhat comfortable. For one, because he was used to her, and for another because she didn’t leave him enough time to think of something else but how he’d defend himself against her.

"Ben can’t take his eyes off of you," Phasma said between two blows, not even out of breath. "Did something special happen between you?"

"Well, Ben has..." he started, then shook his head. He couldn’t say it. It was a lie, anyways. If Ben would know the truth about him, he wouldn’t... love him. 

Momentarily distracted, Phasma landed a blow against his chest that knocked the air out of him. 

"You need a break?" she asked when he stumbled backwards.

Hux smiled bitter. "Yes. From my life." 

He attacked again, shutting his thoughts down once again. 

"Where have you left Bailey today?" Phasma asked after Skywalker called them off. 

"She’s at Ben’s. Chewie is taking care of her," he replied, while they stretched to relax their strained muscles. He didn’t notice the name-change until he saw her raising an eyebrow at him.

"You really do like him. I see." 

"I mean, I’ve kind of moved in there, so..."

"It’s cool, Hux. You better get going, your boyfriend misses you. Ah, there he goes." She smiled, but before he’d prepared himself, he felt two arms wrapping around himself and Ben was hugging him. Hux tensed up immediately. _There are people around, damn it._

Who already knew about them. He forced himself to relax. 

"It’s only me," Ben murmured into his ear. 

"Only?" Hux gave back, bending his head sideways to look at him. Those brown eyes, warm like the hot cocoa Ben had brought with him this morning. When they kissed, Hux didn’t even remember that they were still in the middle of their class, and Ben probably didn’t even care. 

Someone whistled and Ben started giggling like the ridiculous idiot he was. Hux’s heart started racing. He babbled out the words before he would start being afraid again. 

"You should come to my place tomorrow. You still haven’t met my mother, and I need to reintroduce you as my boyfriend."

And Ben’s face lit up, as if he couldn’t imagine something better to do. 

Hux hated himself a little more at the way he wanted to believe it to be true. 

  


**|~|**

  


He hated going out. Poe’s party a few weeks ago had been an exception, and so was today. 

After the kiss, Phasma had asked them to go out together, since they were officially together now. Their newfound happiness should be celebrated. If it weren’t for Ben, Hux wouldn’t be doing this. 

Phasma and her girlfriend, Ben and him, in some kind of double-date. Judging by how Ben’s eyes had widened at the mention of her girlfriend, he clearly hadn’t known that she preferred girls, let alone the fact that she was taken. If he’d missed something as obvious as Phas and Illyana, Ben had really been fixated on him for the past months. 

And now Hux was sitting in a nightclub, Ben by his side and the two girls opposite to them. Illyana was familiar with the owner of the club, since she’d gotten them into the royal lounge without so much as smiling at the bodyguard. 

The music was way too loud to talk without having to shout, so they all leaned in close to understand each other. The lights danced through the club, painting their faces in different colors every few seconds, while the walls, the ground and the bar were colored in a shiny black. 

Illyana had ordered drinks without bothering to ask them what they wanted, but they were good nonetheless. Sweet and fruity, with only the hint of alcohol. At least, that’s what he tasted; judging by the way his mood brightened with every sip and his body relaxed, it was probably more than it seemed. 

The hint of a smile rested on his face, but the tension within wouldn’t vanish. When Ben noticed it, he took hold of his hand under the table and squeezed it, rather than asking. Hux was glad about it and gave him a peck on his hair. 

Illyana had been talking about... well, something, for the past minutes. He'd lost track of what she was ranting about, but Ben and Phasma seemed to listen, answering occasionally. 

They were sitting on tiny couches, Ben and him facing the two girls. Content at not needing to participate right now, Hux took the time to properly look at the both of them. 

While Phasma wore her short hair straight to one side, Illyana had blonde curls that fell down on her shoulders. Her pouty lips were constantly quirked up into a smile, her tiny button nose dotted with freckles. When she looked at her girlfriend, the ice in Phasma’s eyes seemed to melt. 

They were so obviously smitten by each other that one could get easily jealous just by seeing the looks they exchanged. Their love was so… _real._

Ben nudged him with his elbow, and only now Hux noticed that the girls were looking at him, obviously waiting for a reply.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t listen. What’s going on?"

"Not much, we were just wondering if you were okay. You looked like you were miles away," Illyana answered. 

"I’m sorry about that. I’m okay." He took a sip of his drink and gestured them to go on talking. 

"So?" Ben picked up the conversation.

"Almost a year," both girls answered in unison. Where they talking about their relationship?

"And how did you know that you were... you know?" Ben turned scarlet as they grinned at him. 

"Well, we're both not exactly shy, so it was kind of obvious. Or, let's say, we were clear about it from the beginning on. Phas told me that can't exactly be said about you, though."

"Yeah, well, would've been far too easy like that, right?"

He forced himself to smile a little brighter. "Easy would’ve been boring," he added. 

"You should watch your mouth, Hux. Phasma is everything, but boring," Illyana gave back. The words itself were sharp, but she giggled, so he let it slide. He didn’t need the warning look Phas shot him, though.

"I know she isn’t," he answered, just to see how she’d react. Her eyes widened and she looked from him to Phasma and back again. 

"He wishes he’d know." Phasma glowered at him, before she smiled reassuringly at her girlfriend. 

"Another drink?"

  


**|~|**

  


Sometime later, Phas and Illyana had left them alone to dance. Ben had tried to talk him into dancing as well, but even though Hux did a lot for him, he would never do him that favor. Ever. 

Right now, Hux’s mind was clouded from all the drinks, and Ben was telling him about how horrible the last night was without him there. Bailey hadn't slept well and he blamed his absence for that. It was a weak attempt to get Hux to stay overnight again, but he was glad. One night back at his parents’ house had been enough to make him crave the warmth Ben's home offered, both figuratively and literally.

Ben’s head leaned against his shoulder. His cigarette drags were slow, lazy even, just as the kisses they exchanged every now and then. 

To be here with him now was so easy. No one gave a damn about them, and it would’ve been natural to just let himself be consumed by the calm happiness Ben radiated through the force. 

Phasma could do it, even though she knew that her relationship was doomed as much as his was. They couldn’t stay together, but Phas savored every minute that it lasted. 

Hux should do the same. 

He gripped Ben’s chin and made him look up to him, before he leaned in to kiss him. It was meant to be slow and cherishing, but it came out needy and desperate. 

Ben came alive again, returning the kiss with the same force. He tasted of smoke and something almost disgustingly sweet, but Hux didn’t care. 

He let himself forget about the mission, his parents and the imminent ending and just kissed him as if nothing else mattered. 

Ben sucked on his bottom lip and Hux groaned low into the kiss. Eyes squeezed shut, he let his mouth trail over his jaw, teeth grazing ever so slightly, until Ben sighed his name. It sent a shiver of desire through him, and Hux gripped his hair and pulled. Head bend backwards and lips open in a silent moan, Ben looked absolutely gorgeous. Hux bit down hard on his neck and Ben’s hands on his back curled into fists.

"Force, Hux, I need you," Ben whispered.

And the door that the alcohol had opened in Hux was kicked shut. 

_No. No, you don’t. If you’d know the truth about me, you wouldn’t._

"Excuse me," Hux choked out, but before Ben even realized what was going on he’d already run off. 

Somehow, Hux found the bathroom, and with trembling hands he managed to lock the door of the stall behind him before he vomited into the toilet. 

_You fool. You know he doesn’t love you. He loves your pretty little lies, that beautiful facade you’ve created. If he’d know the real you, the wrecked monster that you are, he’d be terrified._

_He could never love you. No matter how much you want him to._

At some point, his stomach was empty, and Hux was left with the bitter taste of bile. He wiped his mouth and with a shock, realized that his cheeks were wet as well. 

He hadn’t cried since he’d been three years old. 

_Look how weak he made you. Pathetic._

He took a few shaking breaths, forcing him to make them slow and deep, so he’d calm down. 

When he was sure he’d regained control, he flushed the toilet, left the stall and washed his hands and face with icy water. 

Looking up again, his eyes met Ben’s in the mirror.

"Damn, Hux, what just happened?" Worry stained his eyes, the fuzziness replaced by sober question marks.

"Alcohol poisoning, probably," Hux answered, voice raspy and thick. Thankfully, his own eyes looked perfectly fine; there was no hint of emotion visible.

"That’s not what I meant, and you know that." Ben let out an annoyed sigh and hugged him from behind. Hux flinched. Was that a new hobby or something? 

"You let go, for the first time ever." Hux closed his eyes. _Please, stop._ „And you scared yourself, right? But hey, it’s fine. Nothing’s gonna happen.“ 

Hux snorted. 

"You don’t understand anything, Ben."

"Then explain it to me."

_I wish I could._

Ben read his thought, and sadness clouded his eyes. 

"One day you will. Promise?" 

_Never._

"I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. :)
> 
> Next chapter: Ben meeting his mom.


	9. BEFORE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be quite honest, I didn't think I'd continue this story, really. Life got in the way, it's been six months since the last update and yeah. Yet here I am. Let's see where this leads.

Ben woke up because someone clung to him as if holding on for dear life. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know it was Hux, but it was still unusual.

They’d probably fallen asleep like that together.

Ben wasn’t at home. The sheets were too thin to be his own and it was freezing cold. Within a few seconds, Ben found the climate regulator and used the force to turn up the heat.

How had they ended up at Hux’s home? They’d never stayed overnight here. Was it because he was supposed to meet his mom today? At least, that would make some sense.

Even though Hux had been everything but logical yesterday. Ben remembered the party, with Hux first being absent, then letting go of whatever was troubling him and suddenly freaking out because of it. Or was it because of him?

He turned around in their embrace and looked up at Hux. As if he noticed his stare, Hux stirred and his eyes snapped open. At first he didn’t notice Ben, his stare empty as he realized he was at home.

"Good morning," Ben murmured, relishing in the way Hux’s features softened when he looked at him.

"Did you change the temperature? It’s way too hot," Hux answered and let go of him.

"Of course, it’s freezing. Look, I’m shaking!" He made his hands tremble and the corners of Hux’s mouth twitched, before he shook his head.

"You’re ridiculous."

"And you don’t take it serious enough how much I need you to keep me warm."

Ben stole a kiss from him, but Hux flinched.

"You need a shower. Now." He pointed to the door behind himself, but Ben cocked his head and grinned.

"Lead the way, then. Let’s shower."

"Second door to the left. Alone."

No matter how hard Ben pouted, Hux didn’t give in. Whatever door the alcohol had opened yesterday, it was sealed shut again now.

 

**|~|**

 

To say Hux was nervous would be an understatement.

He could feel his mother’s impatience radiating through the force, urging him to finally get them ready for breakfast. No matter how much Hux wanted to just stay in bed and make out with Ben, he didn’t dare to keep them waiting.

After Hux had taken a quick shower himself, he came back into the room to find Ben in his clothes, lying in bed again and smirking at him in an attempt to be provocative. Hux almost snorted.

"Get up, breakfast’s ready."

Rolling his eyes, Ben obeyed and passed him to go downstairs. Only now did Hux notice the fresh hickey on his neck, completely uncovered.

"Don’t you have any shame?" Hux teased him.

"You put it there for a reason, did you not?" Ben bit his lip and lowered his voice. "And I want the whole galaxy to know where I belong."

Momentarily stunned, Hux needed a second to remember how to breathe, while Ben just walked ahead. It was enough time for him to enter the kitchen alone, and if he wouldn’t have known better, he’d have been impressed by the stupidity of him. But Ben, the naive little kid, didn’t expect any harm.

And he wouldn’t face it. _They won’t hurt him. Calm down. It will be fine._

In the few heartbeats that had passed, his mother had seen Ben and was already speaking with her sweet, seductive voice.

"Ben Solo, what a pleasure to be finally able to meet you! Hux has told us everything about you."

Face blank, Hux followed Ben into the kitchen. The smiles of his parents were charming and Hux immediately forced himself to do the same.

_It’s just another test. Control yourself._

His mother was chatting away, asking Ben all sorts of questions about his training and the force. Hux already felt himself drifting away after they’d barely sat down. They ignored him anyways.

The table was full of delicacies that Hux had never seen before. There were fruits in every possible color and shape, food that steamed and drinks that were kept cold with ice. Ben was so openly stunned, it was ridiculous. He’d probably try to taste everything and end up sick.

Hux knew better than that and stuck to the stuff that would be easy to contain; his stomach was sensitive enough because of the alcohol they’d drunken yesterday. He had to concentrate on chewing and swallowing every bite to keep calm.

They ate, his parents and Ben made polite conversation and nothing happened. Ben was comfortable, and if he wouldn’t have known better, he would’ve thought his parents were, too.

What had he expected?

For his parents to let their façade slip? For Ben to notice how fake everything was? For their lies to crumble?

As if they’d ever let that happen. They had come too far to ruin everything over a stupid breakfast now.

Hux allowed himself to look over to Ben and received one of his warmest smiles, as if he’d only waited for his boyfriend to do so. He returned it easily, ignoring the fluttering in his stomach.

_How can I ever take that happiness away from him?_

 

**|~|**

 

Hux’s mother had introduced herself as Lainiel to Ben, and even though they were as good as done eating, he still marveled over the beauty of her name. It suited her very well, since she was indeed a beautiful woman. She radiated the same grace he knew from his own mom and it only made him feel more grateful to be allowed to be here. _Special_ , even.

Hux was his usual self again, tense and alert, as if he waited for hell to break lose any second. He didn’t know why, but it was still better than the distant, foreign version that had sent chills of anxiety through Ben during the past days.

Lainiel and Brendol seemed to actually, genuinely _care_ about him. They listened and asked just the right questions to make him feel warm with welcome.

"So you feel like they underrate your abilities in combat?" Brendol probed into the current subject of his Jedi training. Ben nodded hesitantly.

"That’s exactly what I’ve observed too, already. No offense to your uncle, Ben, but Master Skywalker seems a little... overwhelmed. He’s trying his best, but he’s putting the focus on quantity rather than quality. How is that supposed to produce good soldiers?"

"They’re not trying to raise soldiers, dear. We’re not at war anymore," Lainiel interfered and placed her hand on Brendol’s while shooting him a scolding look.

"No, we aren’t. But he’s a little optimistic when he thinks he can bring back another Golden Age for the Jedi within a few years. Those things need patience and determination. At least he has the best circumstances to succeed, since the galaxy has long forgotten how it turned out the last time," Brendol answered, a bitter edge sharpening his tone.

"You can’t blame them for twisting history to their advantage. The winner tells the story how it suits them best, so why would Master Skywalker ever tell anyone that his own father is to blame for destroying the Jedi?" Lainiel added.

"Still, Darth Vader ended up killing the Emperor. He stopped the war and brought peace again," Ben argued.

"Yes, but he was the one who destroyed the peace in the first place and who lived his life hunting down every last Jedi. It smothers his final role, doesn’t it? When you spend your whole life creating evil, one nice thing doesn’t make up for that, neither does it change your past actions. Darth Vader has never been a good man," Lainiel stated and shook her head.

"I agree with you," Ben answered. "I’ve been having the same thoughts for the past years, but I couldn’t really voice that within my family."

"I’m sorry to hear about that, but I’m also glad that you feel like you can be honest with us. We promise to keep your secret safe." She winked at him.

"Thank you. But don’t get me wrong. I do believe that Darth Vader has done great things that should be admired. Even though they were bad, they were still impressive."

"Exactly. And even if the Imperator wouldn’t have been there to guide him, I’m sure Vader would’ve pursued the path of the dark side on his own. This definitely deserves more recognition, too. Of course it wasn’t for everyone’s advantage, but in the end, the only ones who suffered from it were the only ones who deserved to be punished, anyways."

Peaceful silence enveloped them for a second, but Ben’s mind couldn’t stop racing.

"So what do you propose? To stop raising another generation of Jedi?" he asked. Lainiel took a deep breath before she answered, as if she had to brace herself.

"I do think we need a new generation of… heroes, not Jedi. History showed us that the old and traditional Jedi were deeply flawed. They failed in the end, and the Sith ruled. Now neither one of them really exists anymore. Wouldn’t it make more sense to start over and to create something new? Some kind of in-between of the two sides, so there wouldn’t be good or bad anymore. No black and white, but grey. My suggestion would be to raise knights who follow their instincts and act on what they think is right, rather than having to obey credos they don’t believe in."

 

**|~|**

 

Ben was unusually quiet on their way home, but Hux knew he had to let everything his mother had said sink in. And as soon as Ben was ready to talk to him about it, Hux was clear in what he had to answer, where he had to guide him to.

_The Jedi were flawed and should stay extinct. They’d ruin everything again. The galaxy would be better off without them. Trust your guts, explore the force the way you want to. Don’t get caught up on rules; break them and make up your own._

Until then, Hux was free to pretend everything was perfect.

As soon as they were back, Bailey came up running to them with her tail wagging and pretending was quite easy to do so now.

"Hello my sweet darling, we missed you, too!" Ben babbled in his puppy voice, crouching down and letting her lick his face. Hux bit back an adoring smile at the sight.

When he slipped out of his boots, Han joined them in the hallway and grunted a greeting.

"Thought you would never come back. She didn’t stop whining the whole damn time. Next time, you can take her with you."

"I told you, his dad’s allergic to pet hair, that’s why she had to stay here," Ben explained, while Han just rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. You better take her up for a bath, she’s reeking worse than a wet Tauntaun."

 

**|~|**

 

"Okay, do we have everything we need?" Ben asked, watching Hux oversee everything they’ve piled onto the windowsill of the bathroom.

"Treats, puppy shampoo, towels, brush. Yes. It says here," Hux pointed at the Holopad in his lap, "that you should let her explore the bathing area, meaning the tub, first."

Ben smiled at Bailey while letting her down softly. She looked at him with a puzzled expression on her face, unsure what to do.

"It’s fine. Go explore," he said and placed a treat in front of her, animating her to walk around.

When he looked back at Hux, he found him sitting cross-legged on the toilet lid, obviously comfortable.

"You’re just gonna sit there, watch and give instructions, hmm?" Ben asked.

"Why yes, of course. I’m not going to get dragged into the mess you’re going to create with her. Besides, leading is what I do best anyways," Hux answered, a cocky smile on his face.

"You’re truly unbelievable", Ben sighed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "So, General Hux, what do you want me to do now?"

Hux raised an eyebrow at him. "I think it’d be best if you open the water tap and let her get used to it. Better test it beforehand, so it’s not too hot."

Ben did as he was told without further comments. Bailey took a hesitant step toward it, but stumbled back as soon as she touched the water. Immediately Ben was there, murmuring soothing words to her and scratching the spot between her ears.

"Are you sure it was the right temperature?" Hux questioned. Ben had to bite his lip to hold back a snarky remark. Instead, he just splashed some water in his direction.

"Very mature, Ben."

"How about you come down here and help me? Please, you know she likes you better than me."

"That’s… that’s not true," Hux answered, but got down and came kneeling next to Ben in front of the bathtub. As soon as she noticed him, Bailey’s tail started wagging again.

"Told you," Ben commented, but Hux let it slide. They both knew it was true, even though Hux couldn’t explain it.

The next steps went more smoothly. Hux wet his hands and slowly stroked her fur while Ben cheered on her and gave her treats. It would’ve been faster if they would’ve used the shower head to get her wet, but the risk of her bolting immediately was still too high.

Hux went ahead to gently soap her fur, but left out her head. He’d probably read that on his Holopad. That was so typical for him, never leaving anything to chance. Ben was glad that he seemed to be more at peace right now than he had been in the past days.

Ben shuffled closer and kissed him on the cheek, wrapping his arms around him. Hux smiled and turned around to kiss him properly, but didn’t linger.

"Later," he promised. Ben nodded, because really, he hadn’t even expected that second kiss. Even less did he expect Hux to let go of Bailey, to wrap a soapy hand around his jawline and to lean in again. This was definitely new.

And it was over before Ben had even started to kiss back.

"Are you staying tonight?" Ben breathed out, his pulse suddenly racing. Hux smirked and turned away to wash his hands.

"Do you want me to?" Hux replied. This time, he took the shower head but started slowly by showing it to Bailey and carefully showering the water over her paws.

"Of course," he answered. Bailey didn’t shy away from Hux, so Ben gave her another treat.

"What about your parents?" Hux argued while keeping his eyes fixated on Bailey.

"What about them?"

"Come on, Ben. It’s a valid question. I don’t think they’d be too pleased to have me sitting there on a Sunday morning with you, chatting along to whatever it is that you talk about while your father is with you."

"You’re acting as if this would be the first time you’d eat breakfast with us."

"The first time with your dad, for that matter. And I really don’t want to be an intruder."

By now, Bailey’s fur seemed to be properly rinsed and Hux shut off the water. Ben grabbed a towel and waited for Hux to lift her up and hand her over, before wrapping it around her.

"You’re being ridiculous, you know that, right? If you don’t want to stay just tell me, it’s fine," Ben argued, keeping his gaze down at Bailey while gently rubbing her dry. Hux sighed and got up, but Ben rather stayed on the floor.

"Ben, of course I want to stay. But I…" he stopped, not willing to reveal whatever was bothering him. Ben knew this too well by now, even though he’d hoped this would stop once they started dating. It was probably his own fault, anyways. Who was he to blame Hux that he didn’t trust him?

"Stop that. This has nothing to do with you, Ben," Hux added and Ben gaped at him. Had he been that obvious or was Hux suddenly capable of reading his mind?

"It’s just," Hux started and sighed, forcing the next words out. "I’d rather spend tomorrow with Phasma. We’re writing this test next week and she wanted me to help her study."

They both knew he was lying. While Hux managed reduce his feelings to the familiar sense of being numb, Ben felt everything. His self-esteem overshadowed by doubts, the unnerving sense of not being enough and the longing. Hux wasn’t even gone and he missed him already. The way he made him forget about himself and focus on simply being together with him.

"Ben?" Hux asked after he didn’t reply. Ben had neither noticed that he’d stopped rubbing Bailey’s fur nor that Hux had come squatting down in front of him. Hux softly took hold of his jaw, pushed it up so Ben had to meet his eyes.

Hux looked as if he wanted to say something, but Ben was sure he didn’t want to hear any kind of excuse anymore. So he just leaned in to kiss him and his roaring thoughts were silenced once again.

 

**|~|**

 

When Hux and Phasma entered the campus on Monday morning, the halls were plastered with propaganda posters.

As soon as they saw the first one, Hux felt like someone had slapped him. Nevertheless, they pushed through the tiny crowd that had gathered around the biggest poster to get a closer look.

It was dark red and had a black caption in the middle: " **Will you lead your army to victory? Join the fight today!** " At the bottom it read: " _Contest for non-force sensitive students starts 11/01. Sign up at the secretary’s office until 10/31._ "

"This is really bad news," Phasma murmured.

"I thought we still had some time," Hux answered, let Phasma drag him away from the crowd and down the hall. When they turned around a corner, they saw new ones stating " **Fight for our republic! Enlist today!** " in bold letters on a dark green background.

"Me too. Didn’t they plan it for next year?" Phasma questioned.

"Yes, they did. Apparently they seemed to have decided that we’re already ready for it, though."

"Ready for what?" Someone asked behind them. A second later, that someone appeared at Hux’s side and intertwined their hands together.

"Ready for the contest," Hux gave back, forcing himself to smile at Ben.

"So you’re gonna sign up? Both of you?"

"Is that even worth a question? Of course we’re gonna sign up," Phasma replied.

"Sure. It’s a shame it’s only for non-force users, though," Ben said.

"Don’t be sad. You can cheer on us," she grinned and Ben stuck out his tongue at her.

For a moment, Hux just looked at his boyfriend. He wanted to memorize the way Ben’s eyes sparkled, so full of love and happiness.

In a few months this would be gone. The contest was just the last step towards their end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments would be appreciated! My tumblr is [ bottomkylo](http://bottomkylo.tumblr.com/), you can also msg me there if you want. :)
> 
> Make sure to check out some of the original propaganda posters for the empire, since they were kinda inspirational for the posters in the chapter.


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